Breathless

Sorry for being MIA last week. Apparently stress induced asthma is a real thing. I was having trouble breathing for three days. However some steroid treatment and a rescue inhaler later I am mostly okay.

Anyway in light of the recent events I'm going to talk about stress. It's amazing how stress not only effects our moods, but also those around you. It can depress you and it can suck the joy from those you love. Stress even makes you forget what makes you happy and building blocks of what fulfills you.

I've battled stress frequently in my life. Often I wonder why I let people and situations cause me such strife. So much in fact that my ability to breath is compromised.

So, I've made a very important decision to stop letting people and situations from having such a huge effect on me. Writing, story telling, photography, painting, and fiber art are what always brought me joy as a child. These will be the activities  I will strive to do more of. These are the activities I will strive to incorporate into the lives of those I love.

I believe we should all strive to think back to our childhoods and remind ourselves of those things that made us smile. Those things we ran home to do. The things we spent all day thinking about.

Happiness is not a far away concept that is unreachable. Sometimes to find that missing piece you simply have to strip away all the layers of what normalcy has led you to believe you want and look at a childhood version of yourself. Then you ask yourself what is fun.

Nervous Break Up

Today was an emotionally interesting day. It was mid level on my scale. Being blah is often a blessing for me as I constantly live on a roller coaster of debilitating sadness or extreme bouts of energy. It was nice.

On my to my apartment from my soon to be home I stopped and picked up some sushi. I used my evening of calm to soak in the rain as I watched fantastic displays of lightening. It's funny how much people fear.

Of course I fear a lot of things. Many many things, but not death. It seems the things that freak me out the most are so much less dangerous than the things I don't fear. I let myself think about these things because I like to figure things out.

The things that freak me out the most happen to be things that inconvenience others the most.

Proper behavior, broken light bulbs, scratched dvds, my hair falling out everywhere, touching, and a multitude of other things. These things make me nervous because they seem like things that just inconvenience. Even asking or accepting gifts or favors freak me out.

To correct this behavior is something I'm not quite sure how to tackle. Will correcting the discomfort I get from these things make a difference in my ability to interact with the world?

Top Five Benefits of PMDD

Being as I'm battling a monster head ache due to my monthly  this is as good as it gets this week:

The top 5 reasons I'm ok with my PMDD.

5. After the cramps stop I can sleep a solid 12 hours.
 Because I will deal with monster cramps to get me some non drug induced knock out sleep.

4.The fever that happens as a result of all the headaches seems make the Houston heat not so hot.
 Because Houston Heat=Satan's summer home.

3. I definitely can tell a day or two before my period  starts that it's coming.
 Because who doesn't like their own personal warning system.

2. Pity chocolate. Doubling over in menstrual pain gets generous donations of chocolate.
Because free chocolate rules.

1. Off day from work. Sometimes I feel so awful I have to call into work because standing is just not an option.
Because staying home is awesome even when you feel like crap?

Passion Food

It appears as if I will be moving again soon. That's exciting. The world seems to be coming full circle. But I'm not up for talking about that tonight.

Tonight I want to talk about some of my feelings. I met someone. This person makes me feel like being in his presence is the most right thing in the world. I don't know how to explain it any better. It just feels right. It isn't a fuzzy, fluffy feeling of infatuation. It's not even butterflies. I just feel like it's supposed to be.

So what is the problem? You might ask. He doesn't feel the same way. I simply exist to him and nurture him, but nothing else. What am I to do? I feel that if I could just make him see me, truly see me he would feel it too. I feel foolish and like I'm lieing to myself.

Honestly I feel like I just can't stop talking to him. I can't give up on it. I will not stop my life for him< but I will not be able to cut him out of it either.

Late Notices, Self Care, and Eye liner

The past few weeks have been taxing. I have actually fallen into a bit of depression. It's why Monday night didn't happen and I am coming to you on Wednesday instead.

I decided late last night that I need to seriously get back into the habit of giving myself some care. So I made a list.

1. I need to wear make up again. I am a sort of femmy girl and I've been playing with make up since I was 13. I think it's fun and any excuse to add color is appealing to me. Today I wore eyeliner to work. everybody noticed and complimented me. It was nice.

2. I am re-instating Grooming Day. Once a month I have a wax appoint and I need to make a day of it again. Waxing, eyebrow threading, shaving legs and pits, and maybe a pedicure. Things that help me feel good.

3. Not letting the small thongs stress. So somebody is having a bad day and I need not let that steal my sunshine away.

4. Positive self affirmation. Any negative thought about myself must immediately be followed by a positive one.

5. Dealing with my scars. I have scars all over my face, so I am implementing a regime to help lessen that which bothers me the most about my appearance. Not for the sake of what others think, but because it bothers me.

It's a short list. I only hope I can follow it.

Five Second Thought Bubble

I've run across one of those days where I am full of silence. I picked up my new meds after three weeks, four seizures, and a partridge in a pair tree. I both hate the fact that I am destined to be medicated for the rest of my life and am so very grateful that my condition is treatable.

So what does an insane girl who still has two weeks of psychological hell to do?

Let's make a list. (If you haven't figured it out, lists are my favorite)

1. Obsessively chew off the dead the skin on my burnt finger.
Because mmmmm yummy charred flesh and blisters.

2. Plead and beg with the powers that be to make my imaginary life a reality.

3. Try and fail to  figure out how I ended up 45 minutes away in midtown when I was headed down the street to the grocery store. (Seriously though, I think I might have a split personality)

4. Wonder if I might have Asperger's since I don't have the full spectrum of emotions.

5. Debate if not trimming my nails for weeks on end is sexy or if I look like I just didn't feel like trimming my nails.

6. Is my hair big? Is my hair frizzy? No wait, my hair is just curly.

7. Should I cut my hair? Let it grow? Shave my head? OOOOO! I can dye it pink!

8. Wondering why I'm still single. Oh yeah because I'm crazy go nuts.

9. Does everybody hate me? Or do I hate everybody?

10. Is my kid going to turn out like me? God I hope not. Wait damn it I already fucked it up!

11. How is it that the men that I find are crazier than I am? For that matter most of the women I've found haven't been any better.

12. Man I really want to through a dinner party . . . in the park . . . with tea lights and lanterns . . . and everybody cosplaying as an Alice in Wonderland character. OOOOOO lets make it a tea party.

13. I suck at making decisions. Like really really suck at it. Like an average toddler on roller skates suck at it.

14. Fuck. . . fucking shit. I fucking don't give a fuck. Fuck!

15. How many different ways can I make fudge and peanut butter into a decadent dessert?

Ok I'm stopping myself at fifteen. These things dance in my head amongst a million other things every five seconds.

To Wish Away is Tragedy

As a single mother I have tread through relationships carefully and in many cases ended them before they could ever flourish. Do I regret this? In all honesty, I don't. I do not know regret. It is one of a few emotions I just do not feel or understand. But I am not going to discuss my emotional spectrum today.

I want to talk about regret and life. My life has been touched by a multitude of people. I have traveled and experienced more than most people twice my age and I don't regret any of it. I do not regret being homeless, suicidal, a drunk, or any of the other awful shenanigans I would get myself into. My life was a colorful one. And for every awful thing I found myself tied up in I had an amazing and beautiful experience as well. I have seen beautiful things and amazing people.

Everything I have seen, felt, and been through has made me who I am. My sense of humor, my adaptivity, my cunning, my wisdom, my will, and every other component part that helps to create the person I am has grown from one experience or another. It doesn't matter if it was good or bad those moments make me.

Maybe I am blessed for not knowing how to regret things only to see the value in them. It's not to say that these things do not cause me pain or that looking back an ache for the event doesn't happen. I am actually not happy about the tragedies of my life, but I can't think of a single thing I would go back and change in my life. The moments in time have shaped a person that can survive.

I do at times look back at a situation and realize that I could have handled things better or differently. This does not mean I regret the event only that I am learning from it. Knowledge and the ability to grow and use that knowledge is what our life experiences are for.

Regret makes people blind to the beauty of what a life has sculpted. Would any of us be who we are without the events of our past?