Waiting for my game to load I get to remember to type my blog. HA! I am trying so hard to not be bad at this.
I do have some pretty interesting things that just pop into my head and then suddenly I have to do it.
Tonight I got ordained as a minister. I can totally marry people now.
Even more exciting I can marry people in my Queen of Hearts cosplay/ren garb. So awesome!
I also have gotten to talk to an old friend. We have a date to hang out this weekend. Should be a whole lot of fun.
Not much to talk about today so I'm leaving it at that.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Falling Down The Well
I really have no excuse for posting a day late. It really is a lack of enthusiasm for much of anything lately. So, since I'm in the mist of a despairing slump I'd like to take a minute and discuss the sadness that envelopes me during a bipolar "down slump."
One day I'm standing there and I love myself completely. My body, my mind, the whole world and then a dark little thought pops up. 'He's only using you.' 'Nobody likes you and everybody hates you.' 'They're only being nice because they feel sorry for you.' 'You're nothing more than a cosmic joke.' 'Your mother hates and is ashamed of you.' 'You're so fat no wonder your only.' 'Nobody can love a creature as hideous as you.' 'You will never have any of the things you want in life.' 'Just try to be happy. You can't because you don't deserve it.' 'Your family wishes you never existed.' 'You are nothing but a burden on everyone.' 'YOU ARE NOTHING.' These thoughts come in slowly and like white noise in the back of mind and then before very long they are screaming and drowning out all reason. It's when I am in the midst of this despair that I truly feel crazy.
Ever know what it's like to do battle with your mind? I do. I do it all the time. Sometimes I win and the sadness goes away. Sometimes I am just not strong enough and get bulldozed over by a dozen negative thoughts. The worst part is that I know I am not worthless. I know many people find me attractive and enjoy my company very much. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance that causes the doubt, self hatred, and complete sadness.
Yet, it still wins. I still fall down the hole and slowly have to claw myself out of it as my loved ones stand by. They want to help. They try to help. It just is not possible to do so.
Sitting with me doesn't help because it makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like I'm a soul sucking black hole and these people keeping me company need to get far far away. Or it makes me feel like a gargantuan thorn in their side. I am a burden and I make everybody's life suck that much more for existing. Even if the company is quiet and assures me there are there for when I'm ready to talk.
Giving me words of encouragement doesn't work. Every nice thing ever said is a lie. I am so pathetic people have to say nice things out of pity.
Hugs definitely don't work. That's a personal issue nothing to do with the depression. But doing things to me I find uncomfortable to begin with when I am in that black hole is kind of a guarantee for making me fall even deeper. Though, sometimes I do need human touch a cuddle or a snuggle. Generally I seek it out when it's needed.
So what is everybody to do? I have found that just letting me know some one is there. That everybody is there for when I'm done living in the self loathing, fear packed well of despair is mostly what I need. It's only when I say suicidal things do I need an intervention or when it lasts more than a couple of days.
I'm not saying any of my bipolar counterparts need the same care. It's just my personal hell. My battles. I often wonder what it's like to not be cognitive of the insanity. I know the thoughts are not true or mostly not true. I understand that I am not a horrible person even when I'm curled up under a mountain of blankets crying for hours. I always know none of it is real. None of it is logical, but it still swallows me up.
One day I'm standing there and I love myself completely. My body, my mind, the whole world and then a dark little thought pops up. 'He's only using you.' 'Nobody likes you and everybody hates you.' 'They're only being nice because they feel sorry for you.' 'You're nothing more than a cosmic joke.' 'Your mother hates and is ashamed of you.' 'You're so fat no wonder your only.' 'Nobody can love a creature as hideous as you.' 'You will never have any of the things you want in life.' 'Just try to be happy. You can't because you don't deserve it.' 'Your family wishes you never existed.' 'You are nothing but a burden on everyone.' 'YOU ARE NOTHING.' These thoughts come in slowly and like white noise in the back of mind and then before very long they are screaming and drowning out all reason. It's when I am in the midst of this despair that I truly feel crazy.
Ever know what it's like to do battle with your mind? I do. I do it all the time. Sometimes I win and the sadness goes away. Sometimes I am just not strong enough and get bulldozed over by a dozen negative thoughts. The worst part is that I know I am not worthless. I know many people find me attractive and enjoy my company very much. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance that causes the doubt, self hatred, and complete sadness.
Yet, it still wins. I still fall down the hole and slowly have to claw myself out of it as my loved ones stand by. They want to help. They try to help. It just is not possible to do so.
Sitting with me doesn't help because it makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like I'm a soul sucking black hole and these people keeping me company need to get far far away. Or it makes me feel like a gargantuan thorn in their side. I am a burden and I make everybody's life suck that much more for existing. Even if the company is quiet and assures me there are there for when I'm ready to talk.
Giving me words of encouragement doesn't work. Every nice thing ever said is a lie. I am so pathetic people have to say nice things out of pity.
Hugs definitely don't work. That's a personal issue nothing to do with the depression. But doing things to me I find uncomfortable to begin with when I am in that black hole is kind of a guarantee for making me fall even deeper. Though, sometimes I do need human touch a cuddle or a snuggle. Generally I seek it out when it's needed.
So what is everybody to do? I have found that just letting me know some one is there. That everybody is there for when I'm done living in the self loathing, fear packed well of despair is mostly what I need. It's only when I say suicidal things do I need an intervention or when it lasts more than a couple of days.
I'm not saying any of my bipolar counterparts need the same care. It's just my personal hell. My battles. I often wonder what it's like to not be cognitive of the insanity. I know the thoughts are not true or mostly not true. I understand that I am not a horrible person even when I'm curled up under a mountain of blankets crying for hours. I always know none of it is real. None of it is logical, but it still swallows me up.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Breathless
Sorry for being MIA last week. Apparently stress induced asthma is a real thing. I was having trouble breathing for three days. However some steroid treatment and a rescue inhaler later I am mostly okay.
Anyway in light of the recent events I'm going to talk about stress. It's amazing how stress not only effects our moods, but also those around you. It can depress you and it can suck the joy from those you love. Stress even makes you forget what makes you happy and building blocks of what fulfills you.
I've battled stress frequently in my life. Often I wonder why I let people and situations cause me such strife. So much in fact that my ability to breath is compromised.
So, I've made a very important decision to stop letting people and situations from having such a huge effect on me. Writing, story telling, photography, painting, and fiber art are what always brought me joy as a child. These will be the activities I will strive to do more of. These are the activities I will strive to incorporate into the lives of those I love.
I believe we should all strive to think back to our childhoods and remind ourselves of those things that made us smile. Those things we ran home to do. The things we spent all day thinking about.
Happiness is not a far away concept that is unreachable. Sometimes to find that missing piece you simply have to strip away all the layers of what normalcy has led you to believe you want and look at a childhood version of yourself. Then you ask yourself what is fun.
Anyway in light of the recent events I'm going to talk about stress. It's amazing how stress not only effects our moods, but also those around you. It can depress you and it can suck the joy from those you love. Stress even makes you forget what makes you happy and building blocks of what fulfills you.
I've battled stress frequently in my life. Often I wonder why I let people and situations cause me such strife. So much in fact that my ability to breath is compromised.
So, I've made a very important decision to stop letting people and situations from having such a huge effect on me. Writing, story telling, photography, painting, and fiber art are what always brought me joy as a child. These will be the activities I will strive to do more of. These are the activities I will strive to incorporate into the lives of those I love.
I believe we should all strive to think back to our childhoods and remind ourselves of those things that made us smile. Those things we ran home to do. The things we spent all day thinking about.
Happiness is not a far away concept that is unreachable. Sometimes to find that missing piece you simply have to strip away all the layers of what normalcy has led you to believe you want and look at a childhood version of yourself. Then you ask yourself what is fun.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Nervous Break Up
Today was an emotionally interesting day. It was mid level on my scale. Being blah is often a blessing for me as I constantly live on a roller coaster of debilitating sadness or extreme bouts of energy. It was nice.
On my to my apartment from my soon to be home I stopped and picked up some sushi. I used my evening of calm to soak in the rain as I watched fantastic displays of lightening. It's funny how much people fear.
Of course I fear a lot of things. Many many things, but not death. It seems the things that freak me out the most are so much less dangerous than the things I don't fear. I let myself think about these things because I like to figure things out.
The things that freak me out the most happen to be things that inconvenience others the most.
Proper behavior, broken light bulbs, scratched dvds, my hair falling out everywhere, touching, and a multitude of other things. These things make me nervous because they seem like things that just inconvenience. Even asking or accepting gifts or favors freak me out.
To correct this behavior is something I'm not quite sure how to tackle. Will correcting the discomfort I get from these things make a difference in my ability to interact with the world?
On my to my apartment from my soon to be home I stopped and picked up some sushi. I used my evening of calm to soak in the rain as I watched fantastic displays of lightening. It's funny how much people fear.
Of course I fear a lot of things. Many many things, but not death. It seems the things that freak me out the most are so much less dangerous than the things I don't fear. I let myself think about these things because I like to figure things out.
The things that freak me out the most happen to be things that inconvenience others the most.
Proper behavior, broken light bulbs, scratched dvds, my hair falling out everywhere, touching, and a multitude of other things. These things make me nervous because they seem like things that just inconvenience. Even asking or accepting gifts or favors freak me out.
To correct this behavior is something I'm not quite sure how to tackle. Will correcting the discomfort I get from these things make a difference in my ability to interact with the world?
Monday, August 4, 2014
Top Five Benefits of PMDD
Being as I'm battling a monster head ache due to my monthly this is as good as it gets this week:
The top 5 reasons I'm ok with my PMDD.
5. After the cramps stop I can sleep a solid 12 hours.
Because I will deal with monster cramps to get me some non drug induced knock out sleep.
4.The fever that happens as a result of all the headaches seems make the Houston heat not so hot.
Because Houston Heat=Satan's summer home.
3. I definitely can tell a day or two before my period starts that it's coming.
Because who doesn't like their own personal warning system.
2. Pity chocolate. Doubling over in menstrual pain gets generous donations of chocolate.
Because free chocolate rules.
1. Off day from work. Sometimes I feel so awful I have to call into work because standing is just not an option.
Because staying home is awesome even when you feel like crap?
The top 5 reasons I'm ok with my PMDD.
5. After the cramps stop I can sleep a solid 12 hours.
Because I will deal with monster cramps to get me some non drug induced knock out sleep.
4.The fever that happens as a result of all the headaches seems make the Houston heat not so hot.
Because Houston Heat=Satan's summer home.
3. I definitely can tell a day or two before my period starts that it's coming.
Because who doesn't like their own personal warning system.
2. Pity chocolate. Doubling over in menstrual pain gets generous donations of chocolate.
Because free chocolate rules.
1. Off day from work. Sometimes I feel so awful I have to call into work because standing is just not an option.
Because staying home is awesome even when you feel like crap?
Monday, July 28, 2014
Passion Food
It appears as if I will be moving again soon. That's exciting. The world seems to be coming full circle. But I'm not up for talking about that tonight.
Tonight I want to talk about some of my feelings. I met someone. This person makes me feel like being in his presence is the most right thing in the world. I don't know how to explain it any better. It just feels right. It isn't a fuzzy, fluffy feeling of infatuation. It's not even butterflies. I just feel like it's supposed to be.
So what is the problem? You might ask. He doesn't feel the same way. I simply exist to him and nurture him, but nothing else. What am I to do? I feel that if I could just make him see me, truly see me he would feel it too. I feel foolish and like I'm lieing to myself.
Honestly I feel like I just can't stop talking to him. I can't give up on it. I will not stop my life for him< but I will not be able to cut him out of it either.
Tonight I want to talk about some of my feelings. I met someone. This person makes me feel like being in his presence is the most right thing in the world. I don't know how to explain it any better. It just feels right. It isn't a fuzzy, fluffy feeling of infatuation. It's not even butterflies. I just feel like it's supposed to be.
So what is the problem? You might ask. He doesn't feel the same way. I simply exist to him and nurture him, but nothing else. What am I to do? I feel that if I could just make him see me, truly see me he would feel it too. I feel foolish and like I'm lieing to myself.
Honestly I feel like I just can't stop talking to him. I can't give up on it. I will not stop my life for him< but I will not be able to cut him out of it either.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Late Notices, Self Care, and Eye liner
The past few weeks have been taxing. I have actually fallen into a bit of depression. It's why Monday night didn't happen and I am coming to you on Wednesday instead.
I decided late last night that I need to seriously get back into the habit of giving myself some care. So I made a list.
1. I need to wear make up again. I am a sort of femmy girl and I've been playing with make up since I was 13. I think it's fun and any excuse to add color is appealing to me. Today I wore eyeliner to work. everybody noticed and complimented me. It was nice.
2. I am re-instating Grooming Day. Once a month I have a wax appoint and I need to make a day of it again. Waxing, eyebrow threading, shaving legs and pits, and maybe a pedicure. Things that help me feel good.
3. Not letting the small thongs stress. So somebody is having a bad day and I need not let that steal my sunshine away.
4. Positive self affirmation. Any negative thought about myself must immediately be followed by a positive one.
5. Dealing with my scars. I have scars all over my face, so I am implementing a regime to help lessen that which bothers me the most about my appearance. Not for the sake of what others think, but because it bothers me.
It's a short list. I only hope I can follow it.
I decided late last night that I need to seriously get back into the habit of giving myself some care. So I made a list.
1. I need to wear make up again. I am a sort of femmy girl and I've been playing with make up since I was 13. I think it's fun and any excuse to add color is appealing to me. Today I wore eyeliner to work. everybody noticed and complimented me. It was nice.
2. I am re-instating Grooming Day. Once a month I have a wax appoint and I need to make a day of it again. Waxing, eyebrow threading, shaving legs and pits, and maybe a pedicure. Things that help me feel good.
3. Not letting the small thongs stress. So somebody is having a bad day and I need not let that steal my sunshine away.
4. Positive self affirmation. Any negative thought about myself must immediately be followed by a positive one.
5. Dealing with my scars. I have scars all over my face, so I am implementing a regime to help lessen that which bothers me the most about my appearance. Not for the sake of what others think, but because it bothers me.
It's a short list. I only hope I can follow it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)