Little Doors

Last week was full of changes for me. I finally finished moving in with a couple of my best friends. Unpacking is going somewhat slowly, but prospects of a garage sale this coming weekend is exciting.

So big changes in my life. More than anything, though, is the change I discovered in myself on my way to la casa after work. I had a small epiphany. I was jamming out the radio and enjoying the cooler air sweeping into town. I looked around and knew autumn had hit the Gulf Coast. No brightly colored leaves here just rain, the sent of wet dirt, and cool air.

As I listened to my music I felt it. A tiny wound closing up. A door slamming shut. I have struggling detaching myself from a person I though I was in love with, but he did not want me. Those feelings I had for him finally got shut off today. It happens like that for me. One day I'm crazy in love and heart broken over rejection and the next I am free. That really is what I experience a tightness in my chest gone. A cage door swinging wide a tear in my heart closing up.

Is it wrong I grow cold so quickly? It's a way to survive. The person(s) I am to share my life with would not tear me down and leave me feeling awful about myself. Love doesn't work that way. SO can I feel love? Real love? I don't know. I don't really care. There are reasons I am the Queen of Hearts.

Time

I often wonder what my life would be like if it was devoid of all the misery, heartache, betrayal, pain, and loneliness. What would I be like without my special brain and aches? Would I be able to distinguish that there are worse things out there? Would I appreciate the laughter and momentary glimpses of love that I get?

Where would I be? Married with my coveted 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence?

Or would it make any difference at all if I were ordinary? What if I had been able to conform and be just like my sister? Is quiet and demur a better existence?

I often spend my time thinking about such things. I wouldn't be me anymore and I doubt I would see the value in everyone and everything that I do.

I really should stop wasting my time on the what ifs. My life is pretty unreal. So my daughter doesn't have a father around, but what we do have is a house full of people that take time to talk to each other and figure out what's wrong or what's right with everybody. We take time for each other and we take time for ourselves.

Enjoying what I have now is far more important than and enjoyable than any what could have been.

Changes in the Fall

So my world is up ending, but in a good way. I have sheltered myself from risk a long time and have slowly sank deeper and deeper into despair. Fortunately for my I have people in my life that will remind me that my most successful ventures have always been about great risks.

Therefore I am moving towns, I am searching for a new job, I am digging up old friends and searching for new ones, I am diving into my crafts and creating again. My bestie and I will be attempting to audition for a cooking a show that may help speed up the launch of our little restaurant.

Excitement is leaking back into my heart. I hadn't felt the flutter of anticipation when I wake up in the morning in so very long. It's a wonderful feeling. I will fight everyday to build on that excitement and share it with all those around me.

I will keep it short today because I have lists to make of dreams I will build on.

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Waiting for my game to load I get to remember to type my blog. HA! I am trying so hard to not be bad at this.

I do have some pretty interesting things that just pop into my head and then suddenly I have to do it.

Tonight I got ordained as a minister. I can totally marry people now.
Even more exciting I can marry people in my Queen of Hearts cosplay/ren garb. So awesome!

I also have gotten to talk to an old friend. We have a date to hang out this weekend. Should be a whole lot of fun.

Not much to talk about today so I'm leaving it at that.

Falling Down The Well

I really have no excuse for posting a day late. It really is a lack of enthusiasm for much of anything lately. So, since I'm in the mist of a despairing slump I'd like to take a minute and discuss the sadness that envelopes me during a bipolar "down slump."

One day I'm standing there and I love myself completely. My body, my mind, the whole world and then a dark little thought pops up. 'He's only using you.' 'Nobody likes you and everybody hates you.' 'They're only being nice because they feel sorry for you.' 'You're nothing more than a cosmic joke.' 'Your mother hates and is ashamed of you.' 'You're so fat no wonder your only.' 'Nobody can love a creature as hideous as you.' 'You will never have any of the things you want in life.' 'Just try to be happy. You can't because you don't deserve it.' 'Your family wishes you never existed.' 'You are nothing but a burden on everyone.' 'YOU ARE NOTHING.' These thoughts come in slowly and like white noise in the back of mind and then before very long they are screaming and drowning out all reason. It's when I am in the midst of this despair that I truly feel crazy.

Ever know what it's like to do battle with your mind? I do. I do it all the time. Sometimes I win and the sadness goes away. Sometimes I am just not strong enough and get bulldozed over by a dozen negative thoughts. The worst part is that I know I am not worthless. I know many people find me attractive and enjoy my company very much. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance that causes the doubt, self hatred, and complete sadness.

Yet, it still wins. I still fall down the hole and slowly have to claw myself out of it as my loved ones stand by. They want to help. They try to help. It just is not possible to do so.

Sitting with me doesn't help because it makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like I'm a soul sucking black hole and these people keeping me company need to get far far away. Or it makes me feel like a gargantuan thorn in their side. I am a burden and I make everybody's life suck that much more for existing. Even if the company is quiet and assures me there are there for when I'm ready to talk.

Giving me words of encouragement doesn't work. Every nice thing ever said is a lie. I am so pathetic people have to say nice things out of pity.

Hugs definitely don't work. That's a personal issue nothing to do with the depression. But doing things to me I find uncomfortable to begin with when I am in that black hole is kind of a guarantee for making me fall even deeper. Though, sometimes I do need human touch a cuddle or a snuggle. Generally I seek it out when it's needed.

So what is everybody to do? I have found that just letting me know some one is there. That everybody is there for when I'm done living in the self loathing, fear packed  well of despair is mostly what I need. It's only when I say suicidal things do I need an intervention or when it lasts more than a couple of days.

I'm not saying any of my bipolar counterparts need the same care. It's just my personal hell. My battles. I often wonder what it's like to not be cognitive of the insanity. I know the thoughts are not true or mostly not true. I understand that I am not a horrible person even when I'm curled up under a mountain of blankets crying for hours. I always know none of it is real. None of it is logical, but it still swallows me up.

Breathless

Sorry for being MIA last week. Apparently stress induced asthma is a real thing. I was having trouble breathing for three days. However some steroid treatment and a rescue inhaler later I am mostly okay.

Anyway in light of the recent events I'm going to talk about stress. It's amazing how stress not only effects our moods, but also those around you. It can depress you and it can suck the joy from those you love. Stress even makes you forget what makes you happy and building blocks of what fulfills you.

I've battled stress frequently in my life. Often I wonder why I let people and situations cause me such strife. So much in fact that my ability to breath is compromised.

So, I've made a very important decision to stop letting people and situations from having such a huge effect on me. Writing, story telling, photography, painting, and fiber art are what always brought me joy as a child. These will be the activities  I will strive to do more of. These are the activities I will strive to incorporate into the lives of those I love.

I believe we should all strive to think back to our childhoods and remind ourselves of those things that made us smile. Those things we ran home to do. The things we spent all day thinking about.

Happiness is not a far away concept that is unreachable. Sometimes to find that missing piece you simply have to strip away all the layers of what normalcy has led you to believe you want and look at a childhood version of yourself. Then you ask yourself what is fun.

Nervous Break Up

Today was an emotionally interesting day. It was mid level on my scale. Being blah is often a blessing for me as I constantly live on a roller coaster of debilitating sadness or extreme bouts of energy. It was nice.

On my to my apartment from my soon to be home I stopped and picked up some sushi. I used my evening of calm to soak in the rain as I watched fantastic displays of lightening. It's funny how much people fear.

Of course I fear a lot of things. Many many things, but not death. It seems the things that freak me out the most are so much less dangerous than the things I don't fear. I let myself think about these things because I like to figure things out.

The things that freak me out the most happen to be things that inconvenience others the most.

Proper behavior, broken light bulbs, scratched dvds, my hair falling out everywhere, touching, and a multitude of other things. These things make me nervous because they seem like things that just inconvenience. Even asking or accepting gifts or favors freak me out.

To correct this behavior is something I'm not quite sure how to tackle. Will correcting the discomfort I get from these things make a difference in my ability to interact with the world?