The Return

I would like to begin with an apology for taking an unannounced hiatus. My life became an interesting roller coaster the past three weeks.

So what does an individual do to uplift themselves? One could surround themselves with other people to be uplifted. This seems to be a problematic cure. If the individual's network of uplifters are unavailable or if the feeling also comes linked with a sense of anxiety toward loud noises or crowds. What does an individual to do?

I think that the most important thing to do is find things to do that help usher out the awful feelings, the grey muck, and soul clogging ick. I stayed away because I had let myself be swallowed so completely by my own dim prospects. So I entered a writing challenge. One page of writing per each day of December. I have also written a short short story and submitted it to a contest. I still feel like I'm dragging myself through wall of cobwebs that clump together to even further hinder my progress, but I can see that I am still creating. I am still going on. I continue to achieve and complete the tasks I have set forth on myself.

That has been my most difficult lesson to learn. To assign myself tasks and put together due dates and deadlines. School never prepared me for designing and completing my own goals and assignments. I only learned to excel at things that others put in front of me.

I often wonder if I can continue to make progress on things I would want to achieve for myself. I have short term goals full of creation and art. My long term goals of success and finding my match seem impossible dreams to grasp.

Sleep Odds and Ends

So I think I may have sleep apnea. It would make total sense as I have had people complaining about my snoring since I was a very small child. So this week will be full of sleep machine experimentation. I've gotten my hands on a fanct smanchie breathing machine. My housemate suffers from sleep apnea and had a spare machine from when she upgraded to her newer fancier model.

Night number one was interesting as I pulled the mask off in my sleep. My housemate says it's normal and will take a few days to get used to it.
the machine actually has a system that keeps track of apnea events so that I can see the average and decide if I truly suffer from the condition. It would nice to not be tired even after I sleep 6 to 8 hours.
Very exciting stuff!

On another note I've been having some interesting dreams that are extensions of the short story I am writing. I hope to finish that later this week. Should be nice.

Internet Famous

For the past two days I have been way too busy to dive into the the internet. WHAT?!? Yeah, I've been cleaning house, reading, binge watching Naruto with the 13 year old, grocery shopping, an blinging all the things. So the internets took a back seat to my weekend. Apparently when I take a web vacay it all goes down the wacko hole. Seriously Alex from Target? I just can't.

 Well I have decided to give out a little advice to all those that are or might become internet famous. Let's begin with a little story. Many years I was once internet famous. I was "That Mysapce Girl." I'm pretty sure the majority of you are asking "What the Hell is Myspace?" It was pre Facebook social networking and I was it's pink haired, nude modeling, scene kid, princess. More importantly I squandered my fame. So much I should have done with my fame, but failed. Crash and burn failed.

So my advice to you, my little intenerters with stars in your eyes:

Do not squander your fame. Think of things to gain from monetarily. Signed pictures, get paid to post on people's walls, merchandising merchandising MERCHANDISING!!!!! Try to get in contact with big wigs if your fame is connected with a brand. If you work out a good enough contract you can stand to gain some major monies.

And remember: DON'T SQUANDER THAT FAME!

5 Stupid Things I Can't Believe Women Say

I often astonished by the hat, bigotty, and just plain stupid things that fall out of the mouths of people around me. So I compiled a list of 5 stupidest things I've heard women say. And all of these I have heard multple times from different women.

5. "I would never let my husband or son wear pink." Seriously? No, really, seriously? I just can't really touch this one. The shear stupidity of the statement boggles me. It's a color not a gender identifier or a dirty thing. It's a fucking color. In fact it's red with some whit added. Seriously you would ban your male family members from wearing red with some white mixed in?

4. When pregnant women call themselves fat. First off a woman should never call herself fat out of self hate or for any reason either. Unless, you say as a positive. Second, bitch you're preggers. You are going to get so huge you will forget you have feet. The fact that you are saying such awful things about a beautiful body that is busy creating and keeping safe is a new life just makes me want to vomit in your mouth. I won't do that because you're pregnant, but it is the stupid statement ever.

3. "You're a pretty girl if you would just loose some weight and wear make-up." Again this one blows my mind. I get this from strangers. You know what? I like who I am and what I am. I may spend a lot of time self improving, but it's my attitudes and abilities to communicate that I improve. I happen to like being all natural and rotund.

2. "I have no problem with homosexuals, but I could not accept my children being gay. I would kick them out of my house." WHAT THE FUCK! This has so many things wrong with it. First you are more contradictory than the term jumbo shrimp. You don't have a problem as long as you aren't related to a homosexual. That doesn't even make sense.  Two what the fuck is wrong with you. That's your child you plan to disown just because they fall  in love. I'm quite surprised they know how to love with a parent like you.

1. "I call my six year fatty. So they can get motivated to loose weight." All I can say is in ten years you child will be borderline dead to an eating disorder. I know all about this one first hand. It doesn't motivate your child to loose weight it motivates them to over eat or starve themselves. Food becomes a daemon that rips your child's bond with you apart.

Getting my act together!

So the past few weeks have been a bit trying for me. It's lead to my blog being constantly late. I hoping to correct that . Mondays must post on Mondays!

Anyway, I've also joined 13 dating sites. I think I might be ready for it. Honestly and truthfully ready. I recently fell for a mistake, but I've grown to learn from it. No matter what I will stick to the personal changes I have made for myself and not let anybody make me feel bad about myself in any way.

Beginning in December I will start to go on one date every other Saturday. Should be an interesting time.

I am Me

10 things I came to terms with in the last few days:

1. I am a fierce lover. So fierce in fact that I scare the crap out of people. Sort of like Elmyra from Tiny Toons. I should probably work on that.

2. When I am done with people I am done. I feel absolutely nothing for them once I let them go. It's like I have a switch and I can go from Love to Indifference in 0 seconds flat. I wonder what that says about me as a person. Meh

3. I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people. What is that about?

4. Some how I manage to make people think I am their friend when I just kind of tolerate them.

5. I am bad with money. I really need to do something about that one.

6. I think being celibate has finally killed my libido. Does this mean I'm going to loose it or is that a myth.

7. I love random. I love being random. I love other people being random. I love the randomness of Earth.

8. I am easily distracted and I like it.

9. My creative mind is an asset not something to be ashamed of. Sorry mother I like to make stuff and write stories.

10. I really can't bring myself to care when I disappoint people. I hate disappointing myself as I have high expectations when it comes to certain things. However, it really pisses me off when people tell me they are disappointed in me. Hey, dick, it's my life and my existence go suck a duck and worry about your own damn self.

Wow that last one sure escalated quickly.
So . . . umm . . .
I guess that makes eleven.

11. I feel emotions really hard. I mean hard not amplified or deeply. My emotions are kind of like rocks flying at a curio cabinet full of fabrigé eggs. So much shattered pretty.

Little Doors

Last week was full of changes for me. I finally finished moving in with a couple of my best friends. Unpacking is going somewhat slowly, but prospects of a garage sale this coming weekend is exciting.

So big changes in my life. More than anything, though, is the change I discovered in myself on my way to la casa after work. I had a small epiphany. I was jamming out the radio and enjoying the cooler air sweeping into town. I looked around and knew autumn had hit the Gulf Coast. No brightly colored leaves here just rain, the sent of wet dirt, and cool air.

As I listened to my music I felt it. A tiny wound closing up. A door slamming shut. I have struggling detaching myself from a person I though I was in love with, but he did not want me. Those feelings I had for him finally got shut off today. It happens like that for me. One day I'm crazy in love and heart broken over rejection and the next I am free. That really is what I experience a tightness in my chest gone. A cage door swinging wide a tear in my heart closing up.

Is it wrong I grow cold so quickly? It's a way to survive. The person(s) I am to share my life with would not tear me down and leave me feeling awful about myself. Love doesn't work that way. SO can I feel love? Real love? I don't know. I don't really care. There are reasons I am the Queen of Hearts.