Run Baby Run

Announcements:

Happy Memorial Day! To all the veterans I would like to say thank you for all of your time and sacrifice.

This weekend has been a pretty amazing one. My business partner a.k.a. my bestie and I did work on our restaurant/game store. Just wanted to talk a little about all the exciting stuff. We have T-shirt sales going on at http://teespring.com/valhallahearth. We are also working on a kickstarter to help raise funds for our amazing project!

More to come soon.

Ok enough of my spamming. I had a difficult weekend other than that and really don't want to sour festivities.

I'd really like to let everyone know out there to PLEASE, if you have any poor soul dangling on false hope let them go. No matter how much it is helpful to you or strokes your ego, just let them go. The longer you keep them tangled up in that thread of false hope the farther they will fall and more broken they will become. Always be honest (brutally so), make your intentions clear and void of interpretation, and never use anybody as filler between relationships. It isn't fair to you and most importantly it is cruel to the other person.

I might be a bitch, but in the words of Rizzo:

I could flirt with all the guys,
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That's a thing I'd never do.

From "There Are Worse Things I Could Do"

Grease, 1978

Relationship Word Vomit

I was at a loss of what I would share this week and almost didn't write. You guys can thank my best friend for talking me out of it. I have relationships on my mind and the following is a large amount of the thoughts that I seriously need to word vomit. Relationships are a common theme for me to think about. I am so very bad at them.
It isn't easy being an out bi single mother. Even more difficult being a crazy, out bi, moderate, alt single mother. I have found myself in abusive relationships, boring relationships, confusing relationships, and that one truly bizarre guy.
I worry about a lot of things. I have raised my kiddo by myself for the most part and am not really sure I could share parenting after nine years. Truthfully I'm not looking for a parent for my kid. I'm wanting a partner for me.
Men have funny ideas about single moms. Pair that up with the funny ideas they have for tattooed bi girls and shit hits the fan really quick.
Girls? Girls are an entirely different ball of train wreck. Most of the women I've dated one on one have a real issue with the fact that I am bi. I'm not going to tell a pretty girl I'm a lesbian just because I think it would better my chances. That isn't how being out works. I'm bisexual without an in-between or any desire to hide my sexuality.
It has become my belief that every relationship is different and truly unique just like the people in them. Quite seriously what keeps me around in any relationship, friends or beyond, is feeling safe. I've been in monogamous, poly, and open relationships and found that they all have their good points and bad points. In the past I have always had a great desire to know everything about my partners. I like to hear about their past relationships and find the smallest details so very fascinating. I get off on knowledge, amassing it, and sharing it. This; however, causes it's own explosive bad reactions.
Of course all of this is only an issue if I can keep from running away long enough to find myself in a relationship. Sometimes it seems one day I'm single and then I meet some people and the next day I'm in a relationship. Other times it's a slow building of bricks. What keeps me from running away like a mad woman? I'm still working on that. I'm still working on a great many things.
I don't actually actively look for a relationship. Not in the past few years anyway. If it happens it would be amazing.
Yet, I am terrified of having the tiny bit of my heart that's left being taken from me. I really don't think I could handle anymore heartache in this life. I've worked hard to get as stable as I am and at times I still slip. I still slide back into the dark hole full of fear and second guessing. I get locked in my own self made loneliness.
Honestly at the very end of the day I'm just so damned lost. I often feel that all the work I've done to be functional is nothing more than a house of cards toppling over with the slightest breath. How could I ever ask anyone to accept such a mixed up person.

To Girl or Not to Girl

I created this blog to discuss and explain the world as my damaged little brain perceives it. Therefore it is important to me to share one of the most difficult realizations of my life. When I was 15 I began to have a crisis of gender. There are very few people in my life that I have talked to about this time of my life.

I have always been aware of my sexuality and accepted is as I accept that I have beautiful feet and awesome finger nails. It simply is a part of me. However; I do have a strong masculine side. I like to hunt, camp, get dirty, do hard labor, bicycle for hours (how I miss the freedom), and I'm an ogler. I like to check out the ladies and fantasize where I am very male. In my younger days it caused me to question my gender. Maybe I'm a boy. I sure was fascinated by the equipment and often fantasied what it must be like. I began to hate myself and be very angry. I clung to any shiny person that would call themselves my friend. Personalities stronger than my own I could hide behind. I cut my waist length hair to an asymmetrical pixie cut. My life was consumed by the personality I created to keep everyone at bay. I was confused my hair was short but I never really had a desire to change anything more than that.

Some days I was butchy with cargo shorts and baggy Ts and some days I was punky and pigtailed. Keeping my appearance at what makes me happy has to be the most important thing I could ever do for myself. Even on days when I think I have gotten too pudgy I will still dress in what is comfortable to me. In the midst of my anger and confusion my wardrobe stayed the window to the rainbow colored girl inside.  I began to think that maybe I was a boy that just happened to wear girls clothes. I had several friends like that identified as boys, but wore girls clothes all the time. I questioned everything about myself and hid it from everyone. Often times I told people I was an old school french aristocratic gay man trapped in a girl's body, but also liked girls. I was a confused mess. There were no support groups or trusted friends to confide in and my family? Forget it. My mom still had raging issues with the fact that I might no be a virgin, maybe. I totally still was at the time. Being accused of things is never fun. I felt alone, but did have friends that helplessly watched the spiraling mess with no idea what to do. I am so thankful to those that have hung on through the storm that I once was

My nightly walks and bike rides were my saviors. I spent my nights dissecting and reconstructing my insides. I learned to listen to myself and I learned it was ok to talk to myself and understand everything about me.
At the end of my crisis I was certain I was girl. I love being a girl. My diversity, my femininity, my lady parts; I love the whole package. Besides boobs are awesome and I have my own. In the end it came to this: I had to work at being a boy, but being a girl was my natural gift and I love it. I feel so very blessed to have had a couple of years in gender confusion. I understand that some days I can be a dirt covered gun slinging hunter and some days I'd rather be a glue gun wielding house mommie.

Love the skin you have. Love the mixed up confused mind inside you. Love the unique person that you are. At night you are only obligated to go to bed with yourself and through it all you are the only person you have to wake up to.

BiFurious

Sexuality - the very core of what defines us. I know, there is a collective gasp going on right now. Our puritanical ancestors are all rolling in their graves and cursing my putrid, perverted soul into the despair-filled depths of hell. However, we as individuals find our identities in our sexuality.
I'm not interested in debating this today. Trust I will get into the how, why, and generalizations in another post. Today I want to talk about bisexuality and what it means to me. More precisely, dispelling the myths of what that actually says about me.

Since I am so fond of lists, lets start off with one of those:

Completely wrong and prejudiced assumptions I get when I "come out" to somebody:

1. "You just want to have sex with everybody."
This is an infuriating misconception. Let us look at real life experience. This actually really happened; on different occasions; with different people; no joke.
I was at a gathering, conversating with a group and as I mingled I encountered a very interesting man. We talked about a variety of topics and then it happened. He propositioned me and I politely turned him down. Now, he was a good looking fellow, don't get me wrong, but I was just not attracted to him. What followed was a massive 15 car pile up with burning bodies strewn everywhere. "What do you mean you don't want to have sex with me?" he said. I just wasn't feeling it. He got mad because I was a tease, talking about being bi so openly and was offended because I had turned him down. The odd thing is that this, as I said before, has and does happen with some amount of regularity and not just from men. Couples, men, and women get horribly offended when the bi girl is just not that into them. A slut is no more bi than a bi person is a slut. There are bi sluts out there just like there are homosexual and straight sluts, but not every bi person is a slut.

2. "You're just confused," or "You just don't know what you are yet."
These ideas quite honestly make me feel like kicking some babies and punching some random puppies.
Seriously? I may be suffering major confusion toward emulsifying butter and not quite know what I want to be when I actually grow up, but who I love and what I am attracted to harbor no questions from my part. My attraction to both masculine and feminine genders was very obvious to me from the time I was a small child. Exhibit A: huge honking crushes on my female kindergarden teacher and the little boy that sat next me in class at the same time. No confusion for this girl. None. Of course I think myself lucky. I don't have any horror stories of realization, feeling like I was pretending, burying my true identity under so many layers that I lashed out or felt the need to belittle somebody else's identity.

3. "Oh, you're one of those."
Exactly what the fuck is this supposed to mean?
Is it in reference to those straight girls that make out on dance floors for attention? Or is it referring to the people that tell their partners they are bisexual in hopes that it makes them more attractive? Both of those scenarios really get under my skin. I have a real problem with people pretending to be anything they are not simply to make themselves attractive to the object of their desire or for attention. My feelings to being true to oneself are strong. I am not "one of those". I am only myself and I am ok with that.

4. "So, your half gay/straight."
Ummm . . . where do I even start on this one?
I am neither gay nor straight. I am pretty solidly bisexual. Just because I find myself in a relationship with somebody who happens to be a woman, does not make me a lesbian. Or if it's a man, straight. The fact of the matter is that I don't stop being bi because I am with one gender or another. In actuality I am a whole person and not half of anything. I'm 100% bisexual.

Those are the tiny battles I fight on a weekly basis. I feel that many times I elicit negative responses because the people that voice them are just ill informed or they are battling with deamons and open wounds that have nothing to do with the reality that is me.
Bisexuality is a big part of my identity; what it says about me is that I am just not that concerned with what is or isn't dangling between somebody's legs. My attraction and connection to people stems from intelligence, character, energy, and good old fashion communication. I think it so sad that relationships are so much about the act of sex and little to do the tantalizing mind-gasm that comes before the knocking boots. Ok, so I should mostly identify as a sapio-bisexual.
What my bisexuality does in fact say about me is that I am human and like everybody I am picky about who I want to get intimate with, what I find attractive, and ultimately who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I know what I am and I just hope that someday you will too.