The Deep End

I sat down to begin some complicated childish post of unwanted negativity, emotional strain, and general "I can't deal with this." Instead I'm going to discuss other things that are chomping on my mind. I have debating coming out with the newest complication of my mental disorders. Some loved ones encouraged me to share as I am open with my thoughts, feelings, and protocols at all times. Other of my loved ones advised me to not share the findings for fear of the stigmatic backlash I may endure.

I debated. I segued. I word vomited. I may have hidden my emotional state by attempting to help a friend and then imploding her world. Sometimes I need to shut my mouth and word my concerns more gingerly. So in pissing a groom off for making his bride upset because I had an emotional response to sending a loved one into a panic attack all in all it was a messed up weekend. I'm not saying it was all bad. I was awkward a boy I liked, suave at a girl I liked, and participated in a social group where only new a small number of the participants and functioned accordingly. I'm tired and emotionally charged and I don't do well at comforting and even worse at concealing my own woes.

Anyway:

Last week I got tested for Autism. I was diagnosed as a High Functioning Autistic Adult. This means that  I am not bipolar and I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder. This also means that the fact that I do not posses the full range of emotions, am awkward in social situations, take most things literally, and have a plethora of rituals makes sense.

The thing I find most distressing; however, is that while I have had since 2001 to get used my previous diagnoses I now have something new to contend with. My paradigm has seriously been thrown off kilter.

What am I to do with this information?

Will this alienate me further?

Truth is, after today going outside seems that much more terrifying. How am I supposed to function? Are my warning labels valid? Am I valid?

Even though this fully explains my social epic fails. It explains the pain I cause my friends when I am trying to be helpful. It doesn't make it right. I can't fix it. I can't control it. I can't make it better.

Sorry it turned into a "woe is me" post anyway. My sincerest apologies.