I was at a loss of what I would share this week and almost didn't write. You guys can thank my best friend for talking me out of it. I have relationships on my mind and the following is a large amount of the thoughts that I seriously need to word vomit. Relationships are a common theme for me to think about. I am so very bad at them.
It isn't easy being an out bi single mother. Even more difficult being a crazy, out bi, moderate, alt single mother. I have found myself in abusive relationships, boring relationships, confusing relationships, and that one truly bizarre guy.
I worry about a lot of things. I have raised my kiddo by myself for the most part and am not really sure I could share parenting after nine years. Truthfully I'm not looking for a parent for my kid. I'm wanting a partner for me.
Men have funny ideas about single moms. Pair that up with the funny ideas they have for tattooed bi girls and shit hits the fan really quick.
Girls? Girls are an entirely different ball of train wreck. Most of the women I've dated one on one have a real issue with the fact that I am bi. I'm not going to tell a pretty girl I'm a lesbian just because I think it would better my chances. That isn't how being out works. I'm bisexual without an in-between or any desire to hide my sexuality.
It has become my belief that every relationship is different and truly unique just like the people in them. Quite seriously what keeps me around in any relationship, friends or beyond, is feeling safe. I've been in monogamous, poly, and open relationships and found that they all have their good points and bad points. In the past I have always had a great desire to know everything about my partners. I like to hear about their past relationships and find the smallest details so very fascinating. I get off on knowledge, amassing it, and sharing it. This; however, causes it's own explosive bad reactions.
Of course all of this is only an issue if I can keep from running away long enough to find myself in a relationship. Sometimes it seems one day I'm single and then I meet some people and the next day I'm in a relationship. Other times it's a slow building of bricks. What keeps me from running away like a mad woman? I'm still working on that. I'm still working on a great many things.
I don't actually actively look for a relationship. Not in the past few years anyway. If it happens it would be amazing.
Yet, I am terrified of having the tiny bit of my heart that's left being taken from me. I really don't think I could handle anymore heartache in this life. I've worked hard to get as stable as I am and at times I still slip. I still slide back into the dark hole full of fear and second guessing. I get locked in my own self made loneliness.
Honestly at the very end of the day I'm just so damned lost. I often feel that all the work I've done to be functional is nothing more than a house of cards toppling over with the slightest breath. How could I ever ask anyone to accept such a mixed up person.
When it's the right one they accept the good the bad and the mixed up. Being an out, openly bi-poly, married to a man female, I find the hardest thing is finding the person who wants all that. Every now and then the almost right comes along and is willing to give it a try.
ReplyDeleteEvery person has that vision of what they want and a few see it fruition, even when its all mixed up.
There are a lot of uncertain things in my life: whether or not I want to bring a child into this world; what I'm going to do with an art history degree; whether or not I'll join up with the Avengers the next time they call; etc. The one thing I'm always sure about is the way I feel about my fiance. No matter how crazy the rest of life gets, I know how I feel down to my core. When you meet the right girl, or boy, or couple, you'll know it. There won't be any need to "find" yourself or question your actions. If you aren't sure, then it isn't what you're waiting for, and believe me when I say that it's worth waiting for. Until then remember that, "To live will be an awfully grand adventure."
ReplyDeleteI think i agree with Smith and Jolene. I have never been in question of my sexuality i dont know how it feels to desire another male. But i would never limit my amazing mate If she so desired to explore another woman, hey Give it a go ya know. I would never try and hold my best friend back from trying to find out who she is. But sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith cause god knows life is a series of unfortunate events and decisions we all have to live with.
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