Falling Down The Well

I really have no excuse for posting a day late. It really is a lack of enthusiasm for much of anything lately. So, since I'm in the mist of a despairing slump I'd like to take a minute and discuss the sadness that envelopes me during a bipolar "down slump."

One day I'm standing there and I love myself completely. My body, my mind, the whole world and then a dark little thought pops up. 'He's only using you.' 'Nobody likes you and everybody hates you.' 'They're only being nice because they feel sorry for you.' 'You're nothing more than a cosmic joke.' 'Your mother hates and is ashamed of you.' 'You're so fat no wonder your only.' 'Nobody can love a creature as hideous as you.' 'You will never have any of the things you want in life.' 'Just try to be happy. You can't because you don't deserve it.' 'Your family wishes you never existed.' 'You are nothing but a burden on everyone.' 'YOU ARE NOTHING.' These thoughts come in slowly and like white noise in the back of mind and then before very long they are screaming and drowning out all reason. It's when I am in the midst of this despair that I truly feel crazy.

Ever know what it's like to do battle with your mind? I do. I do it all the time. Sometimes I win and the sadness goes away. Sometimes I am just not strong enough and get bulldozed over by a dozen negative thoughts. The worst part is that I know I am not worthless. I know many people find me attractive and enjoy my company very much. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance that causes the doubt, self hatred, and complete sadness.

Yet, it still wins. I still fall down the hole and slowly have to claw myself out of it as my loved ones stand by. They want to help. They try to help. It just is not possible to do so.

Sitting with me doesn't help because it makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like I'm a soul sucking black hole and these people keeping me company need to get far far away. Or it makes me feel like a gargantuan thorn in their side. I am a burden and I make everybody's life suck that much more for existing. Even if the company is quiet and assures me there are there for when I'm ready to talk.

Giving me words of encouragement doesn't work. Every nice thing ever said is a lie. I am so pathetic people have to say nice things out of pity.

Hugs definitely don't work. That's a personal issue nothing to do with the depression. But doing things to me I find uncomfortable to begin with when I am in that black hole is kind of a guarantee for making me fall even deeper. Though, sometimes I do need human touch a cuddle or a snuggle. Generally I seek it out when it's needed.

So what is everybody to do? I have found that just letting me know some one is there. That everybody is there for when I'm done living in the self loathing, fear packed  well of despair is mostly what I need. It's only when I say suicidal things do I need an intervention or when it lasts more than a couple of days.

I'm not saying any of my bipolar counterparts need the same care. It's just my personal hell. My battles. I often wonder what it's like to not be cognitive of the insanity. I know the thoughts are not true or mostly not true. I understand that I am not a horrible person even when I'm curled up under a mountain of blankets crying for hours. I always know none of it is real. None of it is logical, but it still swallows me up.