Getting Sick Sucks

My computer became infected by malware. Sucks. Even more sucky I failed to remember that resetting my computer would fix the problem. I back up everything in triplicate on various disks, usbs, external drives, blah blah blah. Nothing of importance ever gets saved to my computer.

So now that I've corrected that issue. I'd like to talk a moment about friendships. I have many friends of varying  degrees of importance. Some I keep in touch with better than others. I'm not very good at texting or calling folks. Some are ok with it are even astonished and adore that two years can pass and we can reconnect like it was yesterday. Some get upset and play the blame game. I keep moving forward.

It's not that I don't appreciate my friends. In fact they are more precious than fortune to me. There are friends that have lifted me up when I was stuck in a pit of self created, chemically imbalanced despair. Their love saved me and I cannot express my gratitude. And therein lies my biggest problem the proper expression of the importance of my closest friends.

I do not have many close friends. Those I do retain are a godsend. They are the most patient understanding individuals any one could be blessed with. They have survived my out bursts, my inappropriate reactions, anxiety ridden isolation, and most importantly my unmedicated bouts of insanity.

How could I ever say how grateful I am?

Change in the Wind

Sometimes I spread myself out to thin. I lash out with negative thoughts that the people in my life need to leave me alone, need to back off, or just need to stop trying to make me do things I'm not ready to cope with. Most of the time it isn't so much there fault as it is in my head. I have exhausted myself and neglected to energize not only my mind and body, but also my environment.

Changes. The most dreadfully terrifying occurrences. We all change and all things change no matter what we do. Time makes certain of that. I guess my current juncture in life also demands change and in that demand I have exhausted myself avoiding it. I have alienated friends and given myself more tasks and responsibilities than my limited mental capacity can process.

I am aware of my limitations and I refuse to succumb to them. Someday I will be unable to function on my own, but until then I will continue to do what I do best. My ability to survive sometimes astounds me. I wish my life were simple and I am working on simplifying it. However, I need to rewire how I think. I need to stop saying yes because I feel a sense of guilt or obligation to. I only fall short on my responsibilities.

More than anything I need to surround myself with moments of joy and activities that disspell the darkness I have invited into my existence. Maybe I just need to let people in instead of keeping them at arms length. Fuck it people like to hug, maybe I should stop being afraid of it and let them hug me. Maybe I should write by fireside more often.