Sometimes I spread myself out to thin. I lash out with negative thoughts that the people in my life need to leave me alone, need to back off, or just need to stop trying to make me do things I'm not ready to cope with. Most of the time it isn't so much there fault as it is in my head. I have exhausted myself and neglected to energize not only my mind and body, but also my environment.
Changes. The most dreadfully terrifying occurrences. We all change and all things change no matter what we do. Time makes certain of that. I guess my current juncture in life also demands change and in that demand I have exhausted myself avoiding it. I have alienated friends and given myself more tasks and responsibilities than my limited mental capacity can process.
I am aware of my limitations and I refuse to succumb to them. Someday I will be unable to function on my own, but until then I will continue to do what I do best. My ability to survive sometimes astounds me. I wish my life were simple and I am working on simplifying it. However, I need to rewire how I think. I need to stop saying yes because I feel a sense of guilt or obligation to. I only fall short on my responsibilities.
More than anything I need to surround myself with moments of joy and activities that disspell the darkness I have invited into my existence. Maybe I just need to let people in instead of keeping them at arms length. Fuck it people like to hug, maybe I should stop being afraid of it and let them hug me. Maybe I should write by fireside more often.
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