Sister Blog!

I am co authoring a new blog Life Eccentric. It seems a shame to be embarking on a new blog when my upkeep of this particular one has been so lax. Well in all reality Ritz McGee Explains It All has become more of my internalized place. Life Eccentric will be geared towards the non mainstream portions of my life. my girlfriend's life, our passions that are effected by physiology, psychology, and the world at large.

Ritz McGee will still be written in all it's sporadic glory and will continue as my thought bubble. My shoulder to cry on. My place to be me. It will always be freely written without read throughs and unedited.  A mess as I am a mess.

Worth Is Not Yours To Measure

Over the last several days I have been digesting, dissecting, churning, meditating, and pondering over a statement made to me. I was attempting to talk to a partner of a very dear friend of mine. I was bringing the subject up of mental illness in poly relationships. Really it's any type of relationship. His response was that "No one should be in a relationship if they are not right." My immediate mental response was 'What the fuck?' I didn't say or respond because I was unsure why the statement bothered me so much.

I took it home with me and thought about it . . . and thought about it . . . and thought about it.

The it came to me. Mental illness is chronic. It doesn't get cured and it doesn't go away. Even if a person is medicated and it is "under control" it is still there. I suffer from mental illness and I have learned and developed tools to function, but it is still there. It has always been there and it will always be there.

So the statement eats at me because he, and a great many other people, feel that people like me should not have relationships? I should be alone for ever because I have to count my peas before I eat them?

Why do people keep feeling the need to take things from each other?

You are not worthy because you are not straight.
You are not worthy because you are nonmongomous.
You are not worthy because you have mental illness.

I am worthy. I am worthy of the very human need to connect, to feel, to love and be loved. We are all worthy of these things.

The Deep End

I sat down to begin some complicated childish post of unwanted negativity, emotional strain, and general "I can't deal with this." Instead I'm going to discuss other things that are chomping on my mind. I have debating coming out with the newest complication of my mental disorders. Some loved ones encouraged me to share as I am open with my thoughts, feelings, and protocols at all times. Other of my loved ones advised me to not share the findings for fear of the stigmatic backlash I may endure.

I debated. I segued. I word vomited. I may have hidden my emotional state by attempting to help a friend and then imploding her world. Sometimes I need to shut my mouth and word my concerns more gingerly. So in pissing a groom off for making his bride upset because I had an emotional response to sending a loved one into a panic attack all in all it was a messed up weekend. I'm not saying it was all bad. I was awkward a boy I liked, suave at a girl I liked, and participated in a social group where only new a small number of the participants and functioned accordingly. I'm tired and emotionally charged and I don't do well at comforting and even worse at concealing my own woes.

Anyway:

Last week I got tested for Autism. I was diagnosed as a High Functioning Autistic Adult. This means that  I am not bipolar and I do not have obsessive compulsive disorder. This also means that the fact that I do not posses the full range of emotions, am awkward in social situations, take most things literally, and have a plethora of rituals makes sense.

The thing I find most distressing; however, is that while I have had since 2001 to get used my previous diagnoses I now have something new to contend with. My paradigm has seriously been thrown off kilter.

What am I to do with this information?

Will this alienate me further?

Truth is, after today going outside seems that much more terrifying. How am I supposed to function? Are my warning labels valid? Am I valid?

Even though this fully explains my social epic fails. It explains the pain I cause my friends when I am trying to be helpful. It doesn't make it right. I can't fix it. I can't control it. I can't make it better.

Sorry it turned into a "woe is me" post anyway. My sincerest apologies.

The Fading Light of a Fallen Star

As I was organizing my bookshelves recently and came across a bounty of my writings from many many years ago. I curiously sifted through them remembering the times I had written the essays, articles, and short stories. Some were for class assignments and others for pleasure.

It was a sad sense of nostalgia. Back then I had talent. My language a literary style was beautiful almost poetic in structure. So vastly different than the word vomit I force out these days. I can't quite figure out what happened. What shifted so much that every time I sit to create It comes out a stream of poorly thought out garbage. I write my blogs and a place to squeeze out my rantings.

So what am I to do to correct this most heinous crime I have committed to myself? Search the web for free online courses and search for a group, once again, to help in building a creative friendship. I find having people creating works of writing to discuss and bounce ideas off of is very useful.

Wish me luck as I dive into self teaching and working hard. I need to do more of that hard work thing anyway.

Play Pretend

Ever had a bad day? I mean a really bad day that breaks you down into tears?

I had one of those days. I walked out of the office in tears. I couldn't hold them back. It had been a long time since I have had a break down quite like this. I couldn't even pin point why I was such a sobbing mess. I didn't have the usual systems of self loathing or the everybody-hates-me paranoia. All I knew was that it had been a very stressful day and I do not have the mental capacity to deal with that leval of stress.

People forget or simply refuse to acknowledge that I have a mental illness. I am high functioning and very open about it. I believe those around me should know that I do not always react in a “normal” manner and some things can make me very unbalanced. However because I am high functioning the point is mute.

Let me explain it a different way. Image that your body is internally destroying itself. Nobody can see the effects of what is going on inside your body. Imagine that even thought your body is breaking you must continue on your everyday life and go to work that it is happening. You know there is nothing you can do to change or stop this thing that is going on internally. Go to bed and wake up every morning thankful that you are still intact, but know inside you are being destroyed.

You discuss it with those around you and they smile and nod or laugh it off. You don't look sick, sound sick, or double over in pain. There is nothing wrong. Get back to work. Get back to life.

This is the existence of a high functioning person with mental illness. At least that is how it feels like to me. When I break I want to reach out so badly. I want to turn to my coworkers and say “Guys, I am not ok right now.” But I can't. I have to try to be normalish. Then I realize I don't even know what that is and I spiral down further.

I freak out because the nice girl is trying to be friendly, but she keeps touching me. Touch makes me feel violated and invaded when I am not given a chance to prepare for it. At first I sucked up and then I told her never do it again. I could deal.

Things keep being done outside of normal procedure. I freak out. Things are to be done in a certain order at a certain time. This keeps me stable. Order keeps me normal. Disorder frightens me. It terrifies me. It breaks me down. If I don't have an order of procedure I cannot make a proper decisions, I cannot make the appropriate responses, I cannot figure out the proper tone of voice, and I cannot pretend to be friendly.

How could I ever expect anyone to understand. I know it's absurd and nonsensical. I understand that and it is why I cannot get understanding for my plight. It is the worst part. Knowing that there is something wrong with you, but world refusing to acknowledge it because you know.

I feel alone most all of the time and when I mention it people say I have a daughter. I cannot come home to my nine year old and say “Today was a good day. I was able to have a conversation and not blurt out some weird antidote or talk about my mother.” or “Today was a bad day I hid in the bathroom six times because I felt like was about to hyperventilate and I think the office thinks I'm just avoiding work.” I can't come home to my nine year old and ask her to hold my hand while cry because holding somebody's hand will make me feel safe. I can't do that. I have to pretend like I can take care of. I have to pretend I can function.

I always have to pretend I can function even if it's a bad day and all of my friends hate me and people are only nice to me out of pity.

Getting Sick Sucks

My computer became infected by malware. Sucks. Even more sucky I failed to remember that resetting my computer would fix the problem. I back up everything in triplicate on various disks, usbs, external drives, blah blah blah. Nothing of importance ever gets saved to my computer.

So now that I've corrected that issue. I'd like to talk a moment about friendships. I have many friends of varying  degrees of importance. Some I keep in touch with better than others. I'm not very good at texting or calling folks. Some are ok with it are even astonished and adore that two years can pass and we can reconnect like it was yesterday. Some get upset and play the blame game. I keep moving forward.

It's not that I don't appreciate my friends. In fact they are more precious than fortune to me. There are friends that have lifted me up when I was stuck in a pit of self created, chemically imbalanced despair. Their love saved me and I cannot express my gratitude. And therein lies my biggest problem the proper expression of the importance of my closest friends.

I do not have many close friends. Those I do retain are a godsend. They are the most patient understanding individuals any one could be blessed with. They have survived my out bursts, my inappropriate reactions, anxiety ridden isolation, and most importantly my unmedicated bouts of insanity.

How could I ever say how grateful I am?

Change in the Wind

Sometimes I spread myself out to thin. I lash out with negative thoughts that the people in my life need to leave me alone, need to back off, or just need to stop trying to make me do things I'm not ready to cope with. Most of the time it isn't so much there fault as it is in my head. I have exhausted myself and neglected to energize not only my mind and body, but also my environment.

Changes. The most dreadfully terrifying occurrences. We all change and all things change no matter what we do. Time makes certain of that. I guess my current juncture in life also demands change and in that demand I have exhausted myself avoiding it. I have alienated friends and given myself more tasks and responsibilities than my limited mental capacity can process.

I am aware of my limitations and I refuse to succumb to them. Someday I will be unable to function on my own, but until then I will continue to do what I do best. My ability to survive sometimes astounds me. I wish my life were simple and I am working on simplifying it. However, I need to rewire how I think. I need to stop saying yes because I feel a sense of guilt or obligation to. I only fall short on my responsibilities.

More than anything I need to surround myself with moments of joy and activities that disspell the darkness I have invited into my existence. Maybe I just need to let people in instead of keeping them at arms length. Fuck it people like to hug, maybe I should stop being afraid of it and let them hug me. Maybe I should write by fireside more often.