I was going to write a brilliant post on parenting, but seeing as I'm not medicated and newly broken hearted; i am going to share my most recent of emotional train wreck.
First off I have a very lame and awful confession to make. It is so ridiculous that I am ashamed to let everyone know. Until very recently I was a Not Girlfriend.
What's a Not Girlfriend?
Let me explain:
A Not Girlfriend is a person that takes up all the emotional, physical, and nurturing duties of a real girlfriend, but is never acknowledged as a girlfriend or given the respect due to a real girlfriend.
A Not Girlfriend gives support and time and helps to heal the other.
A Not girlfriend, to put it plainly, is a place holder.
We talked for hours every night and gave each other advice. Some nights I would sleep over and we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning snuggling on the couch or laughing while we watched movies/tv shows. I would get excited every time the phone rang and it was him. He did not feel the same way, but he did not want to let me go either.
Yesterday I did do something courageous. For once I felt strong. I told him to stop talking to me. It hurts to know that between 9pm and 10:30pm my phone will not ring and I will not fall asleep while he tells me about his day and all the photography stuff that is way over my head. I never found any of it boring.
I move on now. I will ride my newly acquired bicycle and drown my lonelyness in the dulcet tones of Queen. One day I will find myself adoring someone who adores this quirky crazy fat-bottomed girl.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Two by Two, or Three, or Four, or Seventeen
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Monday, June 16, 2014
So Much Doubt . . .
Motherhood. I often fell as if I am failing at it. Not just a little bit, but terribly so. When I get upset at my kid I feel guilty because she doesn't have a dad. It's me and her and are tiny little village. I resist asking for advice because, except for a very select few) I get told to throw patience and hugs at it. Sorry friends I'm an explainer, a dissector, a let-us-get-to-the-root-er.
This summer was going fine. The Midget is having a blast and thanks to my bestie has been booked up in activities. I was feeling slightly guilty that we weren't spending a whole lot of time together, but I was ok with it because she is having such a good time. Then I basically got told I was doing what needed to be done. The best I could do. That tiny tug in the pit of stomach tightened and I felt really bad.
What am I supposed to do? Raising a child with no financial assistance means working long hours. I have it better than most in my position. I only have one job and am off nights and weekends. I don't date and until recently really didn't hang out with much of anybody. My life is consumed with child, work, school, guilt, and overwhelming bouts of insecurity.
Is it really going to always be this way? Are people that have no concept of the holes and muck I've had to drag myself out of to look at me disapprovingly? As if I am some massive failure?
It seems a large amount of the time that as soon as I feel my head is breaking the surface of the water so I can breath I get shoved back under. Maybe wanting another child should stay just a dull ache in my womb. A want to never be fulfilled. And what of Midget? What will growing up like she has do to her? What will growing up in a household of just me and her do to her?
This summer was going fine. The Midget is having a blast and thanks to my bestie has been booked up in activities. I was feeling slightly guilty that we weren't spending a whole lot of time together, but I was ok with it because she is having such a good time. Then I basically got told I was doing what needed to be done. The best I could do. That tiny tug in the pit of stomach tightened and I felt really bad.
What am I supposed to do? Raising a child with no financial assistance means working long hours. I have it better than most in my position. I only have one job and am off nights and weekends. I don't date and until recently really didn't hang out with much of anybody. My life is consumed with child, work, school, guilt, and overwhelming bouts of insecurity.
Is it really going to always be this way? Are people that have no concept of the holes and muck I've had to drag myself out of to look at me disapprovingly? As if I am some massive failure?
It seems a large amount of the time that as soon as I feel my head is breaking the surface of the water so I can breath I get shoved back under. Maybe wanting another child should stay just a dull ache in my womb. A want to never be fulfilled. And what of Midget? What will growing up like she has do to her? What will growing up in a household of just me and her do to her?
Monday, June 9, 2014
Some Kind of Madness
Birthday Edition! Just what you always wanted; a blog! FOR MY BIRTHDAY!
In less than an hour I will be 31. I am beginning a new journey in my life and it begins peacefully.
There's a part of me that keeps screaming to leave everything be. Life is at a plateau for once. I have to admit the silence and lack of chaos is a bit frightening. Even the standard white noise in my head is quiet.
For the majority of my life I have begged for normality. Is this normality? I'm engaging in normal activities like buying the Midget her first dance outfit and paying bills. I work, I parent, I go to school, I hang out with friends. The only thing missing is a significant other and it seems I honestly don't care either way if I find one.
A week ago I would have argued that I did, but I think I'm fine. If I do choose to have another child it will be my choice and I will be free to raise him/her as I choose. I kind of like the liberation of being able to parent in any style I choose and not have to bargain or discuss decisions with anybody unless I want some advice. I've gotten better at ignoring unsolicited advice and really don't care if anybody thinks I'm doing it wrong. I parent my way and it works for us.
Sometimes it would be simpler to have a partner, but I have been blessed with a village. The great thing about a village is that they let you parent your way and swoop in when help is needed and I do the same for them. It's a good way to be.
Anyway the new meds seem to control the bipolar better without the "this isn't me" feeling. There seems to be something eerie in the placid moments of my days. I am happy and I still get sad, but mostly I just am. Is this nice? I'm not sure.
In less than an hour I will be 31. I am beginning a new journey in my life and it begins peacefully.
There's a part of me that keeps screaming to leave everything be. Life is at a plateau for once. I have to admit the silence and lack of chaos is a bit frightening. Even the standard white noise in my head is quiet.
For the majority of my life I have begged for normality. Is this normality? I'm engaging in normal activities like buying the Midget her first dance outfit and paying bills. I work, I parent, I go to school, I hang out with friends. The only thing missing is a significant other and it seems I honestly don't care either way if I find one.
A week ago I would have argued that I did, but I think I'm fine. If I do choose to have another child it will be my choice and I will be free to raise him/her as I choose. I kind of like the liberation of being able to parent in any style I choose and not have to bargain or discuss decisions with anybody unless I want some advice. I've gotten better at ignoring unsolicited advice and really don't care if anybody thinks I'm doing it wrong. I parent my way and it works for us.
Sometimes it would be simpler to have a partner, but I have been blessed with a village. The great thing about a village is that they let you parent your way and swoop in when help is needed and I do the same for them. It's a good way to be.
Anyway the new meds seem to control the bipolar better without the "this isn't me" feeling. There seems to be something eerie in the placid moments of my days. I am happy and I still get sad, but mostly I just am. Is this nice? I'm not sure.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Mass Brain Overload
This weekend I watched the movie "Pacific Rim" (2013) and I thought it was an awesome mega monster flick. The strange thing is that after a while there were small things I just wasn't ok with. I was totally buying into that there were aliens controlling an inter-dimensional portal in the middle of the ocean and sending gigantic monster clones to destroy us so they could colonize the Earth. I was ok that humans were mind melding with one another in order to control massive robots to combat these creatures. I was even ok with that the clone monsters' biology had a high ammonia content and thus their secondary brain could be kept functioning in a huge vat of it.
What I wasn't ok with was that a toilet had fallen to ground and landed in upright in China (where toilets are very different from American commodes, but there was one in the middle of the street) conveniently just a foot away from where one of the characters needed it. I was also not ok that Ron Perlman survived being ingested by one of the clone monsters despite the fact that ammonia is highly toxic to people. He didn't even suffer chemical burns. It was ridiculous, but why would that bother me so much in an already far fetched fantasy?
I theorize that when watching a scifi, fantasy, or horror flick that is way beyond the norms of our reality our brains can only take so much before we freak the F out. The fantasy gets so out there that when simple scientific or logic driven things that are tiny in comparison happen we just can't deal. We are not ok with that. We are not ok what guy's hat changes position mid scene, but are down that vampires exist. We are not ok that a guy fell five stories and didn't sustain any broken bones, but are totally ok with alien robots that transform into cars.
The human brain is a wondrous thing; however, it can only take so much before it squees. Imagination and the minds ability to absorb a reality constructed by an outside source has it's limitations.
What I wasn't ok with was that a toilet had fallen to ground and landed in upright in China (where toilets are very different from American commodes, but there was one in the middle of the street) conveniently just a foot away from where one of the characters needed it. I was also not ok that Ron Perlman survived being ingested by one of the clone monsters despite the fact that ammonia is highly toxic to people. He didn't even suffer chemical burns. It was ridiculous, but why would that bother me so much in an already far fetched fantasy?
I theorize that when watching a scifi, fantasy, or horror flick that is way beyond the norms of our reality our brains can only take so much before we freak the F out. The fantasy gets so out there that when simple scientific or logic driven things that are tiny in comparison happen we just can't deal. We are not ok with that. We are not ok what guy's hat changes position mid scene, but are down that vampires exist. We are not ok that a guy fell five stories and didn't sustain any broken bones, but are totally ok with alien robots that transform into cars.
The human brain is a wondrous thing; however, it can only take so much before it squees. Imagination and the minds ability to absorb a reality constructed by an outside source has it's limitations.
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