Motherhood. I often fell as if I am failing at it. Not just a little bit, but terribly so. When I get upset at my kid I feel guilty because she doesn't have a dad. It's me and her and are tiny little village. I resist asking for advice because, except for a very select few) I get told to throw patience and hugs at it. Sorry friends I'm an explainer, a dissector, a let-us-get-to-the-root-er.
This summer was going fine. The Midget is having a blast and thanks to my bestie has been booked up in activities. I was feeling slightly guilty that we weren't spending a whole lot of time together, but I was ok with it because she is having such a good time. Then I basically got told I was doing what needed to be done. The best I could do. That tiny tug in the pit of stomach tightened and I felt really bad.
What am I supposed to do? Raising a child with no financial assistance means working long hours. I have it better than most in my position. I only have one job and am off nights and weekends. I don't date and until recently really didn't hang out with much of anybody. My life is consumed with child, work, school, guilt, and overwhelming bouts of insecurity.
Is it really going to always be this way? Are people that have no concept of the holes and muck I've had to drag myself out of to look at me disapprovingly? As if I am some massive failure?
It seems a large amount of the time that as soon as I feel my head is breaking the surface of the water so I can breath I get shoved back under. Maybe wanting another child should stay just a dull ache in my womb. A want to never be fulfilled. And what of Midget? What will growing up like she has do to her? What will growing up in a household of just me and her do to her?
She's having a great time with her substitute father and sibling figures, and if the "best you can do" is giving her a summer filled with horseback riding lessons, ballroom dancing lessons, a gymnastic class, karate classes, a cooking class, and a pottery class, in addition to some occasional rowdy family horseplay, then I'd say that your best is pretty fucking great.
ReplyDeleteThank you Firestar. I get into these self made mind traps and spiral down. Some of it's parental guilt, some of it is romantic loneliness, but most of it is lack of sleep and stress. Of course I could be a little stupid because I'm having processed sugar withdrawals.
DeleteThe sugar will do it to you everytime.
Delete;)
Don't doubt the love. How many parents can afford to take a summer off to spend with their kids? Only teachers, and even then most of the ones I know work an extra part-time job over the summer. You're doing just fine, and once you get that degree that (hopefully) comes with more opportunities, you'll be doing even better.