I would like to begin with an apology for taking an unannounced hiatus. My life became an interesting roller coaster the past three weeks.
So what does an individual do to uplift themselves? One could surround themselves with other people to be uplifted. This seems to be a problematic cure. If the individual's network of uplifters are unavailable or if the feeling also comes linked with a sense of anxiety toward loud noises or crowds. What does an individual to do?
I think that the most important thing to do is find things to do that help usher out the awful feelings, the grey muck, and soul clogging ick. I stayed away because I had let myself be swallowed so completely by my own dim prospects. So I entered a writing challenge. One page of writing per each day of December. I have also written a short short story and submitted it to a contest. I still feel like I'm dragging myself through wall of cobwebs that clump together to even further hinder my progress, but I can see that I am still creating. I am still going on. I continue to achieve and complete the tasks I have set forth on myself.
That has been my most difficult lesson to learn. To assign myself tasks and put together due dates and deadlines. School never prepared me for designing and completing my own goals and assignments. I only learned to excel at things that others put in front of me.
I often wonder if I can continue to make progress on things I would want to achieve for myself. I have short term goals full of creation and art. My long term goals of success and finding my match seem impossible dreams to grasp.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Sleep Odds and Ends
So I think I may have sleep apnea. It would make total sense as I have had people complaining about my snoring since I was a very small child. So this week will be full of sleep machine experimentation. I've gotten my hands on a fanct smanchie breathing machine. My housemate suffers from sleep apnea and had a spare machine from when she upgraded to her newer fancier model.
Night number one was interesting as I pulled the mask off in my sleep. My housemate says it's normal and will take a few days to get used to it.
the machine actually has a system that keeps track of apnea events so that I can see the average and decide if I truly suffer from the condition. It would nice to not be tired even after I sleep 6 to 8 hours.
Very exciting stuff!
On another note I've been having some interesting dreams that are extensions of the short story I am writing. I hope to finish that later this week. Should be nice.
Night number one was interesting as I pulled the mask off in my sleep. My housemate says it's normal and will take a few days to get used to it.
the machine actually has a system that keeps track of apnea events so that I can see the average and decide if I truly suffer from the condition. It would nice to not be tired even after I sleep 6 to 8 hours.
Very exciting stuff!
On another note I've been having some interesting dreams that are extensions of the short story I am writing. I hope to finish that later this week. Should be nice.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Internet Famous
For the past two days I have been way too busy to dive into the the internet. WHAT?!? Yeah, I've been cleaning house, reading, binge watching Naruto with the 13 year old, grocery shopping, an blinging all the things. So the internets took a back seat to my weekend. Apparently when I take a web vacay it all goes down the wacko hole. Seriously Alex from Target? I just can't.
Well I have decided to give out a little advice to all those that are or might become internet famous. Let's begin with a little story. Many years I was once internet famous. I was "That Mysapce Girl." I'm pretty sure the majority of you are asking "What the Hell is Myspace?" It was pre Facebook social networking and I was it's pink haired, nude modeling, scene kid, princess. More importantly I squandered my fame. So much I should have done with my fame, but failed. Crash and burn failed.
So my advice to you, my little intenerters with stars in your eyes:
Do not squander your fame. Think of things to gain from monetarily. Signed pictures, get paid to post on people's walls, merchandising merchandising MERCHANDISING!!!!! Try to get in contact with big wigs if your fame is connected with a brand. If you work out a good enough contract you can stand to gain some major monies.
And remember: DON'T SQUANDER THAT FAME!
Well I have decided to give out a little advice to all those that are or might become internet famous. Let's begin with a little story. Many years I was once internet famous. I was "That Mysapce Girl." I'm pretty sure the majority of you are asking "What the Hell is Myspace?" It was pre Facebook social networking and I was it's pink haired, nude modeling, scene kid, princess. More importantly I squandered my fame. So much I should have done with my fame, but failed. Crash and burn failed.
So my advice to you, my little intenerters with stars in your eyes:
Do not squander your fame. Think of things to gain from monetarily. Signed pictures, get paid to post on people's walls, merchandising merchandising MERCHANDISING!!!!! Try to get in contact with big wigs if your fame is connected with a brand. If you work out a good enough contract you can stand to gain some major monies.
And remember: DON'T SQUANDER THAT FAME!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
5 Stupid Things I Can't Believe Women Say
I often astonished by the hat, bigotty, and just plain stupid things that fall out of the mouths of people around me. So I compiled a list of 5 stupidest things I've heard women say. And all of these I have heard multple times from different women.
5. "I would never let my husband or son wear pink." Seriously? No, really, seriously? I just can't really touch this one. The shear stupidity of the statement boggles me. It's a color not a gender identifier or a dirty thing. It's a fucking color. In fact it's red with some whit added. Seriously you would ban your male family members from wearing red with some white mixed in?
4. When pregnant women call themselves fat. First off a woman should never call herself fat out of self hate or for any reason either. Unless, you say as a positive. Second, bitch you're preggers. You are going to get so huge you will forget you have feet. The fact that you are saying such awful things about a beautiful body that is busy creating and keeping safe is a new life just makes me want to vomit in your mouth. I won't do that because you're pregnant, but it is the stupid statement ever.
3. "You're a pretty girl if you would just loose some weight and wear make-up." Again this one blows my mind. I get this from strangers. You know what? I like who I am and what I am. I may spend a lot of time self improving, but it's my attitudes and abilities to communicate that I improve. I happen to like being all natural and rotund.
2. "I have no problem with homosexuals, but I could not accept my children being gay. I would kick them out of my house." WHAT THE FUCK! This has so many things wrong with it. First you are more contradictory than the term jumbo shrimp. You don't have a problem as long as you aren't related to a homosexual. That doesn't even make sense. Two what the fuck is wrong with you. That's your child you plan to disown just because they fall in love. I'm quite surprised they know how to love with a parent like you.
1. "I call my six year fatty. So they can get motivated to loose weight." All I can say is in ten years you child will be borderline dead to an eating disorder. I know all about this one first hand. It doesn't motivate your child to loose weight it motivates them to over eat or starve themselves. Food becomes a daemon that rips your child's bond with you apart.
5. "I would never let my husband or son wear pink." Seriously? No, really, seriously? I just can't really touch this one. The shear stupidity of the statement boggles me. It's a color not a gender identifier or a dirty thing. It's a fucking color. In fact it's red with some whit added. Seriously you would ban your male family members from wearing red with some white mixed in?
4. When pregnant women call themselves fat. First off a woman should never call herself fat out of self hate or for any reason either. Unless, you say as a positive. Second, bitch you're preggers. You are going to get so huge you will forget you have feet. The fact that you are saying such awful things about a beautiful body that is busy creating and keeping safe is a new life just makes me want to vomit in your mouth. I won't do that because you're pregnant, but it is the stupid statement ever.
3. "You're a pretty girl if you would just loose some weight and wear make-up." Again this one blows my mind. I get this from strangers. You know what? I like who I am and what I am. I may spend a lot of time self improving, but it's my attitudes and abilities to communicate that I improve. I happen to like being all natural and rotund.
2. "I have no problem with homosexuals, but I could not accept my children being gay. I would kick them out of my house." WHAT THE FUCK! This has so many things wrong with it. First you are more contradictory than the term jumbo shrimp. You don't have a problem as long as you aren't related to a homosexual. That doesn't even make sense. Two what the fuck is wrong with you. That's your child you plan to disown just because they fall in love. I'm quite surprised they know how to love with a parent like you.
1. "I call my six year fatty. So they can get motivated to loose weight." All I can say is in ten years you child will be borderline dead to an eating disorder. I know all about this one first hand. It doesn't motivate your child to loose weight it motivates them to over eat or starve themselves. Food becomes a daemon that rips your child's bond with you apart.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Getting my act together!
So the past few weeks have been a bit trying for me. It's lead to my blog being constantly late. I hoping to correct that . Mondays must post on Mondays!
Anyway, I've also joined 13 dating sites. I think I might be ready for it. Honestly and truthfully ready. I recently fell for a mistake, but I've grown to learn from it. No matter what I will stick to the personal changes I have made for myself and not let anybody make me feel bad about myself in any way.
Beginning in December I will start to go on one date every other Saturday. Should be an interesting time.
Anyway, I've also joined 13 dating sites. I think I might be ready for it. Honestly and truthfully ready. I recently fell for a mistake, but I've grown to learn from it. No matter what I will stick to the personal changes I have made for myself and not let anybody make me feel bad about myself in any way.
Beginning in December I will start to go on one date every other Saturday. Should be an interesting time.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
I am Me
10 things I came to terms with in the last few days:
1. I am a fierce lover. So fierce in fact that I scare the crap out of people. Sort of like Elmyra from Tiny Toons. I should probably work on that.
2. When I am done with people I am done. I feel absolutely nothing for them once I let them go. It's like I have a switch and I can go from Love to Indifference in 0 seconds flat. I wonder what that says about me as a person. Meh
3. I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people. What is that about?
4. Some how I manage to make people think I am their friend when I just kind of tolerate them.
5. I am bad with money. I really need to do something about that one.
6. I think being celibate has finally killed my libido. Does this mean I'm going to loose it or is that a myth.
7. I love random. I love being random. I love other people being random. I love the randomness of Earth.
8. I am easily distracted and I like it.
9. My creative mind is an asset not something to be ashamed of. Sorry mother I like to make stuff and write stories.
10. I really can't bring myself to care when I disappoint people. I hate disappointing myself as I have high expectations when it comes to certain things. However, it really pisses me off when people tell me they are disappointed in me. Hey, dick, it's my life and my existence go suck a duck and worry about your own damn self.
Wow that last one sure escalated quickly.
So . . . umm . . .
I guess that makes eleven.
11. I feel emotions really hard. I mean hard not amplified or deeply. My emotions are kind of like rocks flying at a curio cabinet full of fabrigé eggs. So much shattered pretty.
1. I am a fierce lover. So fierce in fact that I scare the crap out of people. Sort of like Elmyra from Tiny Toons. I should probably work on that.
2. When I am done with people I am done. I feel absolutely nothing for them once I let them go. It's like I have a switch and I can go from Love to Indifference in 0 seconds flat. I wonder what that says about me as a person. Meh
3. I put up with a lot of shit from a lot of people. What is that about?
4. Some how I manage to make people think I am their friend when I just kind of tolerate them.
5. I am bad with money. I really need to do something about that one.
6. I think being celibate has finally killed my libido. Does this mean I'm going to loose it or is that a myth.
7. I love random. I love being random. I love other people being random. I love the randomness of Earth.
8. I am easily distracted and I like it.
9. My creative mind is an asset not something to be ashamed of. Sorry mother I like to make stuff and write stories.
10. I really can't bring myself to care when I disappoint people. I hate disappointing myself as I have high expectations when it comes to certain things. However, it really pisses me off when people tell me they are disappointed in me. Hey, dick, it's my life and my existence go suck a duck and worry about your own damn self.
Wow that last one sure escalated quickly.
So . . . umm . . .
I guess that makes eleven.
11. I feel emotions really hard. I mean hard not amplified or deeply. My emotions are kind of like rocks flying at a curio cabinet full of fabrigé eggs. So much shattered pretty.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Little Doors
Last week was full of changes for me. I finally finished moving in with a couple of my best friends. Unpacking is going somewhat slowly, but prospects of a garage sale this coming weekend is exciting.
So big changes in my life. More than anything, though, is the change I discovered in myself on my way to la casa after work. I had a small epiphany. I was jamming out the radio and enjoying the cooler air sweeping into town. I looked around and knew autumn had hit the Gulf Coast. No brightly colored leaves here just rain, the sent of wet dirt, and cool air.
As I listened to my music I felt it. A tiny wound closing up. A door slamming shut. I have struggling detaching myself from a person I though I was in love with, but he did not want me. Those feelings I had for him finally got shut off today. It happens like that for me. One day I'm crazy in love and heart broken over rejection and the next I am free. That really is what I experience a tightness in my chest gone. A cage door swinging wide a tear in my heart closing up.
Is it wrong I grow cold so quickly? It's a way to survive. The person(s) I am to share my life with would not tear me down and leave me feeling awful about myself. Love doesn't work that way. SO can I feel love? Real love? I don't know. I don't really care. There are reasons I am the Queen of Hearts.
So big changes in my life. More than anything, though, is the change I discovered in myself on my way to la casa after work. I had a small epiphany. I was jamming out the radio and enjoying the cooler air sweeping into town. I looked around and knew autumn had hit the Gulf Coast. No brightly colored leaves here just rain, the sent of wet dirt, and cool air.
As I listened to my music I felt it. A tiny wound closing up. A door slamming shut. I have struggling detaching myself from a person I though I was in love with, but he did not want me. Those feelings I had for him finally got shut off today. It happens like that for me. One day I'm crazy in love and heart broken over rejection and the next I am free. That really is what I experience a tightness in my chest gone. A cage door swinging wide a tear in my heart closing up.
Is it wrong I grow cold so quickly? It's a way to survive. The person(s) I am to share my life with would not tear me down and leave me feeling awful about myself. Love doesn't work that way. SO can I feel love? Real love? I don't know. I don't really care. There are reasons I am the Queen of Hearts.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Time
I often wonder what my life would be like if it was devoid of all the misery, heartache, betrayal, pain, and loneliness. What would I be like without my special brain and aches? Would I be able to distinguish that there are worse things out there? Would I appreciate the laughter and momentary glimpses of love that I get?
Where would I be? Married with my coveted 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence?
Or would it make any difference at all if I were ordinary? What if I had been able to conform and be just like my sister? Is quiet and demur a better existence?
I often spend my time thinking about such things. I wouldn't be me anymore and I doubt I would see the value in everyone and everything that I do.
I really should stop wasting my time on the what ifs. My life is pretty unreal. So my daughter doesn't have a father around, but what we do have is a house full of people that take time to talk to each other and figure out what's wrong or what's right with everybody. We take time for each other and we take time for ourselves.
Enjoying what I have now is far more important than and enjoyable than any what could have been.
Where would I be? Married with my coveted 2.5 kids, dog, and white picket fence?
Or would it make any difference at all if I were ordinary? What if I had been able to conform and be just like my sister? Is quiet and demur a better existence?
I often spend my time thinking about such things. I wouldn't be me anymore and I doubt I would see the value in everyone and everything that I do.
I really should stop wasting my time on the what ifs. My life is pretty unreal. So my daughter doesn't have a father around, but what we do have is a house full of people that take time to talk to each other and figure out what's wrong or what's right with everybody. We take time for each other and we take time for ourselves.
Enjoying what I have now is far more important than and enjoyable than any what could have been.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Changes in the Fall
So my world is up ending, but in a good way. I have sheltered myself from risk a long time and have slowly sank deeper and deeper into despair. Fortunately for my I have people in my life that will remind me that my most successful ventures have always been about great risks.
Therefore I am moving towns, I am searching for a new job, I am digging up old friends and searching for new ones, I am diving into my crafts and creating again. My bestie and I will be attempting to audition for a cooking a show that may help speed up the launch of our little restaurant.
Excitement is leaking back into my heart. I hadn't felt the flutter of anticipation when I wake up in the morning in so very long. It's a wonderful feeling. I will fight everyday to build on that excitement and share it with all those around me.
I will keep it short today because I have lists to make of dreams I will build on.
Therefore I am moving towns, I am searching for a new job, I am digging up old friends and searching for new ones, I am diving into my crafts and creating again. My bestie and I will be attempting to audition for a cooking a show that may help speed up the launch of our little restaurant.
Excitement is leaking back into my heart. I hadn't felt the flutter of anticipation when I wake up in the morning in so very long. It's a wonderful feeling. I will fight everyday to build on that excitement and share it with all those around me.
I will keep it short today because I have lists to make of dreams I will build on.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Loading . . .
Waiting for my game to load I get to remember to type my blog. HA! I am trying so hard to not be bad at this.
I do have some pretty interesting things that just pop into my head and then suddenly I have to do it.
Tonight I got ordained as a minister. I can totally marry people now.
Even more exciting I can marry people in my Queen of Hearts cosplay/ren garb. So awesome!
I also have gotten to talk to an old friend. We have a date to hang out this weekend. Should be a whole lot of fun.
Not much to talk about today so I'm leaving it at that.
I do have some pretty interesting things that just pop into my head and then suddenly I have to do it.
Tonight I got ordained as a minister. I can totally marry people now.
Even more exciting I can marry people in my Queen of Hearts cosplay/ren garb. So awesome!
I also have gotten to talk to an old friend. We have a date to hang out this weekend. Should be a whole lot of fun.
Not much to talk about today so I'm leaving it at that.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Falling Down The Well
I really have no excuse for posting a day late. It really is a lack of enthusiasm for much of anything lately. So, since I'm in the mist of a despairing slump I'd like to take a minute and discuss the sadness that envelopes me during a bipolar "down slump."
One day I'm standing there and I love myself completely. My body, my mind, the whole world and then a dark little thought pops up. 'He's only using you.' 'Nobody likes you and everybody hates you.' 'They're only being nice because they feel sorry for you.' 'You're nothing more than a cosmic joke.' 'Your mother hates and is ashamed of you.' 'You're so fat no wonder your only.' 'Nobody can love a creature as hideous as you.' 'You will never have any of the things you want in life.' 'Just try to be happy. You can't because you don't deserve it.' 'Your family wishes you never existed.' 'You are nothing but a burden on everyone.' 'YOU ARE NOTHING.' These thoughts come in slowly and like white noise in the back of mind and then before very long they are screaming and drowning out all reason. It's when I am in the midst of this despair that I truly feel crazy.
Ever know what it's like to do battle with your mind? I do. I do it all the time. Sometimes I win and the sadness goes away. Sometimes I am just not strong enough and get bulldozed over by a dozen negative thoughts. The worst part is that I know I am not worthless. I know many people find me attractive and enjoy my company very much. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance that causes the doubt, self hatred, and complete sadness.
Yet, it still wins. I still fall down the hole and slowly have to claw myself out of it as my loved ones stand by. They want to help. They try to help. It just is not possible to do so.
Sitting with me doesn't help because it makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like I'm a soul sucking black hole and these people keeping me company need to get far far away. Or it makes me feel like a gargantuan thorn in their side. I am a burden and I make everybody's life suck that much more for existing. Even if the company is quiet and assures me there are there for when I'm ready to talk.
Giving me words of encouragement doesn't work. Every nice thing ever said is a lie. I am so pathetic people have to say nice things out of pity.
Hugs definitely don't work. That's a personal issue nothing to do with the depression. But doing things to me I find uncomfortable to begin with when I am in that black hole is kind of a guarantee for making me fall even deeper. Though, sometimes I do need human touch a cuddle or a snuggle. Generally I seek it out when it's needed.
So what is everybody to do? I have found that just letting me know some one is there. That everybody is there for when I'm done living in the self loathing, fear packed well of despair is mostly what I need. It's only when I say suicidal things do I need an intervention or when it lasts more than a couple of days.
I'm not saying any of my bipolar counterparts need the same care. It's just my personal hell. My battles. I often wonder what it's like to not be cognitive of the insanity. I know the thoughts are not true or mostly not true. I understand that I am not a horrible person even when I'm curled up under a mountain of blankets crying for hours. I always know none of it is real. None of it is logical, but it still swallows me up.
One day I'm standing there and I love myself completely. My body, my mind, the whole world and then a dark little thought pops up. 'He's only using you.' 'Nobody likes you and everybody hates you.' 'They're only being nice because they feel sorry for you.' 'You're nothing more than a cosmic joke.' 'Your mother hates and is ashamed of you.' 'You're so fat no wonder your only.' 'Nobody can love a creature as hideous as you.' 'You will never have any of the things you want in life.' 'Just try to be happy. You can't because you don't deserve it.' 'Your family wishes you never existed.' 'You are nothing but a burden on everyone.' 'YOU ARE NOTHING.' These thoughts come in slowly and like white noise in the back of mind and then before very long they are screaming and drowning out all reason. It's when I am in the midst of this despair that I truly feel crazy.
Ever know what it's like to do battle with your mind? I do. I do it all the time. Sometimes I win and the sadness goes away. Sometimes I am just not strong enough and get bulldozed over by a dozen negative thoughts. The worst part is that I know I am not worthless. I know many people find me attractive and enjoy my company very much. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance that causes the doubt, self hatred, and complete sadness.
Yet, it still wins. I still fall down the hole and slowly have to claw myself out of it as my loved ones stand by. They want to help. They try to help. It just is not possible to do so.
Sitting with me doesn't help because it makes me feel selfish. It makes me feel like I'm a soul sucking black hole and these people keeping me company need to get far far away. Or it makes me feel like a gargantuan thorn in their side. I am a burden and I make everybody's life suck that much more for existing. Even if the company is quiet and assures me there are there for when I'm ready to talk.
Giving me words of encouragement doesn't work. Every nice thing ever said is a lie. I am so pathetic people have to say nice things out of pity.
Hugs definitely don't work. That's a personal issue nothing to do with the depression. But doing things to me I find uncomfortable to begin with when I am in that black hole is kind of a guarantee for making me fall even deeper. Though, sometimes I do need human touch a cuddle or a snuggle. Generally I seek it out when it's needed.
So what is everybody to do? I have found that just letting me know some one is there. That everybody is there for when I'm done living in the self loathing, fear packed well of despair is mostly what I need. It's only when I say suicidal things do I need an intervention or when it lasts more than a couple of days.
I'm not saying any of my bipolar counterparts need the same care. It's just my personal hell. My battles. I often wonder what it's like to not be cognitive of the insanity. I know the thoughts are not true or mostly not true. I understand that I am not a horrible person even when I'm curled up under a mountain of blankets crying for hours. I always know none of it is real. None of it is logical, but it still swallows me up.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Breathless
Sorry for being MIA last week. Apparently stress induced asthma is a real thing. I was having trouble breathing for three days. However some steroid treatment and a rescue inhaler later I am mostly okay.
Anyway in light of the recent events I'm going to talk about stress. It's amazing how stress not only effects our moods, but also those around you. It can depress you and it can suck the joy from those you love. Stress even makes you forget what makes you happy and building blocks of what fulfills you.
I've battled stress frequently in my life. Often I wonder why I let people and situations cause me such strife. So much in fact that my ability to breath is compromised.
So, I've made a very important decision to stop letting people and situations from having such a huge effect on me. Writing, story telling, photography, painting, and fiber art are what always brought me joy as a child. These will be the activities I will strive to do more of. These are the activities I will strive to incorporate into the lives of those I love.
I believe we should all strive to think back to our childhoods and remind ourselves of those things that made us smile. Those things we ran home to do. The things we spent all day thinking about.
Happiness is not a far away concept that is unreachable. Sometimes to find that missing piece you simply have to strip away all the layers of what normalcy has led you to believe you want and look at a childhood version of yourself. Then you ask yourself what is fun.
Anyway in light of the recent events I'm going to talk about stress. It's amazing how stress not only effects our moods, but also those around you. It can depress you and it can suck the joy from those you love. Stress even makes you forget what makes you happy and building blocks of what fulfills you.
I've battled stress frequently in my life. Often I wonder why I let people and situations cause me such strife. So much in fact that my ability to breath is compromised.
So, I've made a very important decision to stop letting people and situations from having such a huge effect on me. Writing, story telling, photography, painting, and fiber art are what always brought me joy as a child. These will be the activities I will strive to do more of. These are the activities I will strive to incorporate into the lives of those I love.
I believe we should all strive to think back to our childhoods and remind ourselves of those things that made us smile. Those things we ran home to do. The things we spent all day thinking about.
Happiness is not a far away concept that is unreachable. Sometimes to find that missing piece you simply have to strip away all the layers of what normalcy has led you to believe you want and look at a childhood version of yourself. Then you ask yourself what is fun.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Nervous Break Up
Today was an emotionally interesting day. It was mid level on my scale. Being blah is often a blessing for me as I constantly live on a roller coaster of debilitating sadness or extreme bouts of energy. It was nice.
On my to my apartment from my soon to be home I stopped and picked up some sushi. I used my evening of calm to soak in the rain as I watched fantastic displays of lightening. It's funny how much people fear.
Of course I fear a lot of things. Many many things, but not death. It seems the things that freak me out the most are so much less dangerous than the things I don't fear. I let myself think about these things because I like to figure things out.
The things that freak me out the most happen to be things that inconvenience others the most.
Proper behavior, broken light bulbs, scratched dvds, my hair falling out everywhere, touching, and a multitude of other things. These things make me nervous because they seem like things that just inconvenience. Even asking or accepting gifts or favors freak me out.
To correct this behavior is something I'm not quite sure how to tackle. Will correcting the discomfort I get from these things make a difference in my ability to interact with the world?
On my to my apartment from my soon to be home I stopped and picked up some sushi. I used my evening of calm to soak in the rain as I watched fantastic displays of lightening. It's funny how much people fear.
Of course I fear a lot of things. Many many things, but not death. It seems the things that freak me out the most are so much less dangerous than the things I don't fear. I let myself think about these things because I like to figure things out.
The things that freak me out the most happen to be things that inconvenience others the most.
Proper behavior, broken light bulbs, scratched dvds, my hair falling out everywhere, touching, and a multitude of other things. These things make me nervous because they seem like things that just inconvenience. Even asking or accepting gifts or favors freak me out.
To correct this behavior is something I'm not quite sure how to tackle. Will correcting the discomfort I get from these things make a difference in my ability to interact with the world?
Monday, August 4, 2014
Top Five Benefits of PMDD
Being as I'm battling a monster head ache due to my monthly this is as good as it gets this week:
The top 5 reasons I'm ok with my PMDD.
5. After the cramps stop I can sleep a solid 12 hours.
Because I will deal with monster cramps to get me some non drug induced knock out sleep.
4.The fever that happens as a result of all the headaches seems make the Houston heat not so hot.
Because Houston Heat=Satan's summer home.
3. I definitely can tell a day or two before my period starts that it's coming.
Because who doesn't like their own personal warning system.
2. Pity chocolate. Doubling over in menstrual pain gets generous donations of chocolate.
Because free chocolate rules.
1. Off day from work. Sometimes I feel so awful I have to call into work because standing is just not an option.
Because staying home is awesome even when you feel like crap?
The top 5 reasons I'm ok with my PMDD.
5. After the cramps stop I can sleep a solid 12 hours.
Because I will deal with monster cramps to get me some non drug induced knock out sleep.
4.The fever that happens as a result of all the headaches seems make the Houston heat not so hot.
Because Houston Heat=Satan's summer home.
3. I definitely can tell a day or two before my period starts that it's coming.
Because who doesn't like their own personal warning system.
2. Pity chocolate. Doubling over in menstrual pain gets generous donations of chocolate.
Because free chocolate rules.
1. Off day from work. Sometimes I feel so awful I have to call into work because standing is just not an option.
Because staying home is awesome even when you feel like crap?
Monday, July 28, 2014
Passion Food
It appears as if I will be moving again soon. That's exciting. The world seems to be coming full circle. But I'm not up for talking about that tonight.
Tonight I want to talk about some of my feelings. I met someone. This person makes me feel like being in his presence is the most right thing in the world. I don't know how to explain it any better. It just feels right. It isn't a fuzzy, fluffy feeling of infatuation. It's not even butterflies. I just feel like it's supposed to be.
So what is the problem? You might ask. He doesn't feel the same way. I simply exist to him and nurture him, but nothing else. What am I to do? I feel that if I could just make him see me, truly see me he would feel it too. I feel foolish and like I'm lieing to myself.
Honestly I feel like I just can't stop talking to him. I can't give up on it. I will not stop my life for him< but I will not be able to cut him out of it either.
Tonight I want to talk about some of my feelings. I met someone. This person makes me feel like being in his presence is the most right thing in the world. I don't know how to explain it any better. It just feels right. It isn't a fuzzy, fluffy feeling of infatuation. It's not even butterflies. I just feel like it's supposed to be.
So what is the problem? You might ask. He doesn't feel the same way. I simply exist to him and nurture him, but nothing else. What am I to do? I feel that if I could just make him see me, truly see me he would feel it too. I feel foolish and like I'm lieing to myself.
Honestly I feel like I just can't stop talking to him. I can't give up on it. I will not stop my life for him< but I will not be able to cut him out of it either.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Late Notices, Self Care, and Eye liner
The past few weeks have been taxing. I have actually fallen into a bit of depression. It's why Monday night didn't happen and I am coming to you on Wednesday instead.
I decided late last night that I need to seriously get back into the habit of giving myself some care. So I made a list.
1. I need to wear make up again. I am a sort of femmy girl and I've been playing with make up since I was 13. I think it's fun and any excuse to add color is appealing to me. Today I wore eyeliner to work. everybody noticed and complimented me. It was nice.
2. I am re-instating Grooming Day. Once a month I have a wax appoint and I need to make a day of it again. Waxing, eyebrow threading, shaving legs and pits, and maybe a pedicure. Things that help me feel good.
3. Not letting the small thongs stress. So somebody is having a bad day and I need not let that steal my sunshine away.
4. Positive self affirmation. Any negative thought about myself must immediately be followed by a positive one.
5. Dealing with my scars. I have scars all over my face, so I am implementing a regime to help lessen that which bothers me the most about my appearance. Not for the sake of what others think, but because it bothers me.
It's a short list. I only hope I can follow it.
I decided late last night that I need to seriously get back into the habit of giving myself some care. So I made a list.
1. I need to wear make up again. I am a sort of femmy girl and I've been playing with make up since I was 13. I think it's fun and any excuse to add color is appealing to me. Today I wore eyeliner to work. everybody noticed and complimented me. It was nice.
2. I am re-instating Grooming Day. Once a month I have a wax appoint and I need to make a day of it again. Waxing, eyebrow threading, shaving legs and pits, and maybe a pedicure. Things that help me feel good.
3. Not letting the small thongs stress. So somebody is having a bad day and I need not let that steal my sunshine away.
4. Positive self affirmation. Any negative thought about myself must immediately be followed by a positive one.
5. Dealing with my scars. I have scars all over my face, so I am implementing a regime to help lessen that which bothers me the most about my appearance. Not for the sake of what others think, but because it bothers me.
It's a short list. I only hope I can follow it.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Five Second Thought Bubble
I've run across one of those days where I am full of silence. I picked up my new meds after three weeks, four seizures, and a partridge in a pair tree. I both hate the fact that I am destined to be medicated for the rest of my life and am so very grateful that my condition is treatable.
So what does an insane girl who still has two weeks of psychological hell to do?
Let's make a list. (If you haven't figured it out, lists are my favorite)
1. Obsessively chew off the dead the skin on my burnt finger.
Because mmmmm yummy charred flesh and blisters.
2. Plead and beg with the powers that be to make my imaginary life a reality.
3. Try and fail to figure out how I ended up 45 minutes away in midtown when I was headed down the street to the grocery store. (Seriously though, I think I might have a split personality)
4. Wonder if I might have Asperger's since I don't have the full spectrum of emotions.
5. Debate if not trimming my nails for weeks on end is sexy or if I look like I just didn't feel like trimming my nails.
6. Is my hair big? Is my hair frizzy? No wait, my hair is just curly.
7. Should I cut my hair? Let it grow? Shave my head? OOOOO! I can dye it pink!
8. Wondering why I'm still single. Oh yeah because I'm crazy go nuts.
9. Does everybody hate me? Or do I hate everybody?
10. Is my kid going to turn out like me? God I hope not. Wait damn it I already fucked it up!
11. How is it that the men that I find are crazier than I am? For that matter most of the women I've found haven't been any better.
12. Man I really want to through a dinner party . . . in the park . . . with tea lights and lanterns . . . and everybody cosplaying as an Alice in Wonderland character. OOOOOO lets make it a tea party.
13. I suck at making decisions. Like really really suck at it. Like an average toddler on roller skates suck at it.
14. Fuck. . . fucking shit. I fucking don't give a fuck. Fuck!
15. How many different ways can I make fudge and peanut butter into a decadent dessert?
Ok I'm stopping myself at fifteen. These things dance in my head amongst a million other things every five seconds.
So what does an insane girl who still has two weeks of psychological hell to do?
Let's make a list. (If you haven't figured it out, lists are my favorite)
1. Obsessively chew off the dead the skin on my burnt finger.
Because mmmmm yummy charred flesh and blisters.
2. Plead and beg with the powers that be to make my imaginary life a reality.
3. Try and fail to figure out how I ended up 45 minutes away in midtown when I was headed down the street to the grocery store. (Seriously though, I think I might have a split personality)
4. Wonder if I might have Asperger's since I don't have the full spectrum of emotions.
5. Debate if not trimming my nails for weeks on end is sexy or if I look like I just didn't feel like trimming my nails.
6. Is my hair big? Is my hair frizzy? No wait, my hair is just curly.
7. Should I cut my hair? Let it grow? Shave my head? OOOOO! I can dye it pink!
8. Wondering why I'm still single. Oh yeah because I'm crazy go nuts.
9. Does everybody hate me? Or do I hate everybody?
10. Is my kid going to turn out like me? God I hope not. Wait damn it I already fucked it up!
11. How is it that the men that I find are crazier than I am? For that matter most of the women I've found haven't been any better.
12. Man I really want to through a dinner party . . . in the park . . . with tea lights and lanterns . . . and everybody cosplaying as an Alice in Wonderland character. OOOOOO lets make it a tea party.
13. I suck at making decisions. Like really really suck at it. Like an average toddler on roller skates suck at it.
14. Fuck. . . fucking shit. I fucking don't give a fuck. Fuck!
15. How many different ways can I make fudge and peanut butter into a decadent dessert?
Ok I'm stopping myself at fifteen. These things dance in my head amongst a million other things every five seconds.
Monday, July 7, 2014
To Wish Away is Tragedy
As a single mother I have tread through relationships carefully and in many cases ended them before they could ever flourish. Do I regret this? In all honesty, I don't. I do not know regret. It is one of a few emotions I just do not feel or understand. But I am not going to discuss my emotional spectrum today.
I want to talk about regret and life. My life has been touched by a multitude of people. I have traveled and experienced more than most people twice my age and I don't regret any of it. I do not regret being homeless, suicidal, a drunk, or any of the other awful shenanigans I would get myself into. My life was a colorful one. And for every awful thing I found myself tied up in I had an amazing and beautiful experience as well. I have seen beautiful things and amazing people.
Everything I have seen, felt, and been through has made me who I am. My sense of humor, my adaptivity, my cunning, my wisdom, my will, and every other component part that helps to create the person I am has grown from one experience or another. It doesn't matter if it was good or bad those moments make me.
Maybe I am blessed for not knowing how to regret things only to see the value in them. It's not to say that these things do not cause me pain or that looking back an ache for the event doesn't happen. I am actually not happy about the tragedies of my life, but I can't think of a single thing I would go back and change in my life. The moments in time have shaped a person that can survive.
I do at times look back at a situation and realize that I could have handled things better or differently. This does not mean I regret the event only that I am learning from it. Knowledge and the ability to grow and use that knowledge is what our life experiences are for.
Regret makes people blind to the beauty of what a life has sculpted. Would any of us be who we are without the events of our past?
I want to talk about regret and life. My life has been touched by a multitude of people. I have traveled and experienced more than most people twice my age and I don't regret any of it. I do not regret being homeless, suicidal, a drunk, or any of the other awful shenanigans I would get myself into. My life was a colorful one. And for every awful thing I found myself tied up in I had an amazing and beautiful experience as well. I have seen beautiful things and amazing people.
Everything I have seen, felt, and been through has made me who I am. My sense of humor, my adaptivity, my cunning, my wisdom, my will, and every other component part that helps to create the person I am has grown from one experience or another. It doesn't matter if it was good or bad those moments make me.
Maybe I am blessed for not knowing how to regret things only to see the value in them. It's not to say that these things do not cause me pain or that looking back an ache for the event doesn't happen. I am actually not happy about the tragedies of my life, but I can't think of a single thing I would go back and change in my life. The moments in time have shaped a person that can survive.
I do at times look back at a situation and realize that I could have handled things better or differently. This does not mean I regret the event only that I am learning from it. Knowledge and the ability to grow and use that knowledge is what our life experiences are for.
Regret makes people blind to the beauty of what a life has sculpted. Would any of us be who we are without the events of our past?
Monday, June 30, 2014
Confessions of a Not Girlfriend
I was going to write a brilliant post on parenting, but seeing as I'm not medicated and newly broken hearted; i am going to share my most recent of emotional train wreck.
First off I have a very lame and awful confession to make. It is so ridiculous that I am ashamed to let everyone know. Until very recently I was a Not Girlfriend.
What's a Not Girlfriend?
Let me explain:
A Not Girlfriend is a person that takes up all the emotional, physical, and nurturing duties of a real girlfriend, but is never acknowledged as a girlfriend or given the respect due to a real girlfriend.
A Not Girlfriend gives support and time and helps to heal the other.
A Not girlfriend, to put it plainly, is a place holder.
We talked for hours every night and gave each other advice. Some nights I would sleep over and we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning snuggling on the couch or laughing while we watched movies/tv shows. I would get excited every time the phone rang and it was him. He did not feel the same way, but he did not want to let me go either.
Yesterday I did do something courageous. For once I felt strong. I told him to stop talking to me. It hurts to know that between 9pm and 10:30pm my phone will not ring and I will not fall asleep while he tells me about his day and all the photography stuff that is way over my head. I never found any of it boring.
I move on now. I will ride my newly acquired bicycle and drown my lonelyness in the dulcet tones of Queen. One day I will find myself adoring someone who adores this quirky crazy fat-bottomed girl.
First off I have a very lame and awful confession to make. It is so ridiculous that I am ashamed to let everyone know. Until very recently I was a Not Girlfriend.
What's a Not Girlfriend?
Let me explain:
A Not Girlfriend is a person that takes up all the emotional, physical, and nurturing duties of a real girlfriend, but is never acknowledged as a girlfriend or given the respect due to a real girlfriend.
A Not Girlfriend gives support and time and helps to heal the other.
A Not girlfriend, to put it plainly, is a place holder.
We talked for hours every night and gave each other advice. Some nights I would sleep over and we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning snuggling on the couch or laughing while we watched movies/tv shows. I would get excited every time the phone rang and it was him. He did not feel the same way, but he did not want to let me go either.
Yesterday I did do something courageous. For once I felt strong. I told him to stop talking to me. It hurts to know that between 9pm and 10:30pm my phone will not ring and I will not fall asleep while he tells me about his day and all the photography stuff that is way over my head. I never found any of it boring.
I move on now. I will ride my newly acquired bicycle and drown my lonelyness in the dulcet tones of Queen. One day I will find myself adoring someone who adores this quirky crazy fat-bottomed girl.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Two by Two, or Three, or Four, or Seventeen
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Monday, June 16, 2014
So Much Doubt . . .
Motherhood. I often fell as if I am failing at it. Not just a little bit, but terribly so. When I get upset at my kid I feel guilty because she doesn't have a dad. It's me and her and are tiny little village. I resist asking for advice because, except for a very select few) I get told to throw patience and hugs at it. Sorry friends I'm an explainer, a dissector, a let-us-get-to-the-root-er.
This summer was going fine. The Midget is having a blast and thanks to my bestie has been booked up in activities. I was feeling slightly guilty that we weren't spending a whole lot of time together, but I was ok with it because she is having such a good time. Then I basically got told I was doing what needed to be done. The best I could do. That tiny tug in the pit of stomach tightened and I felt really bad.
What am I supposed to do? Raising a child with no financial assistance means working long hours. I have it better than most in my position. I only have one job and am off nights and weekends. I don't date and until recently really didn't hang out with much of anybody. My life is consumed with child, work, school, guilt, and overwhelming bouts of insecurity.
Is it really going to always be this way? Are people that have no concept of the holes and muck I've had to drag myself out of to look at me disapprovingly? As if I am some massive failure?
It seems a large amount of the time that as soon as I feel my head is breaking the surface of the water so I can breath I get shoved back under. Maybe wanting another child should stay just a dull ache in my womb. A want to never be fulfilled. And what of Midget? What will growing up like she has do to her? What will growing up in a household of just me and her do to her?
This summer was going fine. The Midget is having a blast and thanks to my bestie has been booked up in activities. I was feeling slightly guilty that we weren't spending a whole lot of time together, but I was ok with it because she is having such a good time. Then I basically got told I was doing what needed to be done. The best I could do. That tiny tug in the pit of stomach tightened and I felt really bad.
What am I supposed to do? Raising a child with no financial assistance means working long hours. I have it better than most in my position. I only have one job and am off nights and weekends. I don't date and until recently really didn't hang out with much of anybody. My life is consumed with child, work, school, guilt, and overwhelming bouts of insecurity.
Is it really going to always be this way? Are people that have no concept of the holes and muck I've had to drag myself out of to look at me disapprovingly? As if I am some massive failure?
It seems a large amount of the time that as soon as I feel my head is breaking the surface of the water so I can breath I get shoved back under. Maybe wanting another child should stay just a dull ache in my womb. A want to never be fulfilled. And what of Midget? What will growing up like she has do to her? What will growing up in a household of just me and her do to her?
Monday, June 9, 2014
Some Kind of Madness
Birthday Edition! Just what you always wanted; a blog! FOR MY BIRTHDAY!
In less than an hour I will be 31. I am beginning a new journey in my life and it begins peacefully.
There's a part of me that keeps screaming to leave everything be. Life is at a plateau for once. I have to admit the silence and lack of chaos is a bit frightening. Even the standard white noise in my head is quiet.
For the majority of my life I have begged for normality. Is this normality? I'm engaging in normal activities like buying the Midget her first dance outfit and paying bills. I work, I parent, I go to school, I hang out with friends. The only thing missing is a significant other and it seems I honestly don't care either way if I find one.
A week ago I would have argued that I did, but I think I'm fine. If I do choose to have another child it will be my choice and I will be free to raise him/her as I choose. I kind of like the liberation of being able to parent in any style I choose and not have to bargain or discuss decisions with anybody unless I want some advice. I've gotten better at ignoring unsolicited advice and really don't care if anybody thinks I'm doing it wrong. I parent my way and it works for us.
Sometimes it would be simpler to have a partner, but I have been blessed with a village. The great thing about a village is that they let you parent your way and swoop in when help is needed and I do the same for them. It's a good way to be.
Anyway the new meds seem to control the bipolar better without the "this isn't me" feeling. There seems to be something eerie in the placid moments of my days. I am happy and I still get sad, but mostly I just am. Is this nice? I'm not sure.
In less than an hour I will be 31. I am beginning a new journey in my life and it begins peacefully.
There's a part of me that keeps screaming to leave everything be. Life is at a plateau for once. I have to admit the silence and lack of chaos is a bit frightening. Even the standard white noise in my head is quiet.
For the majority of my life I have begged for normality. Is this normality? I'm engaging in normal activities like buying the Midget her first dance outfit and paying bills. I work, I parent, I go to school, I hang out with friends. The only thing missing is a significant other and it seems I honestly don't care either way if I find one.
A week ago I would have argued that I did, but I think I'm fine. If I do choose to have another child it will be my choice and I will be free to raise him/her as I choose. I kind of like the liberation of being able to parent in any style I choose and not have to bargain or discuss decisions with anybody unless I want some advice. I've gotten better at ignoring unsolicited advice and really don't care if anybody thinks I'm doing it wrong. I parent my way and it works for us.
Sometimes it would be simpler to have a partner, but I have been blessed with a village. The great thing about a village is that they let you parent your way and swoop in when help is needed and I do the same for them. It's a good way to be.
Anyway the new meds seem to control the bipolar better without the "this isn't me" feeling. There seems to be something eerie in the placid moments of my days. I am happy and I still get sad, but mostly I just am. Is this nice? I'm not sure.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Mass Brain Overload
This weekend I watched the movie "Pacific Rim" (2013) and I thought it was an awesome mega monster flick. The strange thing is that after a while there were small things I just wasn't ok with. I was totally buying into that there were aliens controlling an inter-dimensional portal in the middle of the ocean and sending gigantic monster clones to destroy us so they could colonize the Earth. I was ok that humans were mind melding with one another in order to control massive robots to combat these creatures. I was even ok with that the clone monsters' biology had a high ammonia content and thus their secondary brain could be kept functioning in a huge vat of it.
What I wasn't ok with was that a toilet had fallen to ground and landed in upright in China (where toilets are very different from American commodes, but there was one in the middle of the street) conveniently just a foot away from where one of the characters needed it. I was also not ok that Ron Perlman survived being ingested by one of the clone monsters despite the fact that ammonia is highly toxic to people. He didn't even suffer chemical burns. It was ridiculous, but why would that bother me so much in an already far fetched fantasy?
I theorize that when watching a scifi, fantasy, or horror flick that is way beyond the norms of our reality our brains can only take so much before we freak the F out. The fantasy gets so out there that when simple scientific or logic driven things that are tiny in comparison happen we just can't deal. We are not ok with that. We are not ok what guy's hat changes position mid scene, but are down that vampires exist. We are not ok that a guy fell five stories and didn't sustain any broken bones, but are totally ok with alien robots that transform into cars.
The human brain is a wondrous thing; however, it can only take so much before it squees. Imagination and the minds ability to absorb a reality constructed by an outside source has it's limitations.
What I wasn't ok with was that a toilet had fallen to ground and landed in upright in China (where toilets are very different from American commodes, but there was one in the middle of the street) conveniently just a foot away from where one of the characters needed it. I was also not ok that Ron Perlman survived being ingested by one of the clone monsters despite the fact that ammonia is highly toxic to people. He didn't even suffer chemical burns. It was ridiculous, but why would that bother me so much in an already far fetched fantasy?
I theorize that when watching a scifi, fantasy, or horror flick that is way beyond the norms of our reality our brains can only take so much before we freak the F out. The fantasy gets so out there that when simple scientific or logic driven things that are tiny in comparison happen we just can't deal. We are not ok with that. We are not ok what guy's hat changes position mid scene, but are down that vampires exist. We are not ok that a guy fell five stories and didn't sustain any broken bones, but are totally ok with alien robots that transform into cars.
The human brain is a wondrous thing; however, it can only take so much before it squees. Imagination and the minds ability to absorb a reality constructed by an outside source has it's limitations.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Run Baby Run
Announcements:
Happy Memorial Day! To all the veterans I would like to say thank you for all of your time and sacrifice.
This weekend has been a pretty amazing one. My business partner a.k.a. my bestie and I did work on our restaurant/game store. Just wanted to talk a little about all the exciting stuff. We have T-shirt sales going on at http://teespring.com/valhallahearth. We are also working on a kickstarter to help raise funds for our amazing project!
More to come soon.
Ok enough of my spamming. I had a difficult weekend other than that and really don't want to sour festivities.
I'd really like to let everyone know out there to PLEASE, if you have any poor soul dangling on false hope let them go. No matter how much it is helpful to you or strokes your ego, just let them go. The longer you keep them tangled up in that thread of false hope the farther they will fall and more broken they will become. Always be honest (brutally so), make your intentions clear and void of interpretation, and never use anybody as filler between relationships. It isn't fair to you and most importantly it is cruel to the other person.
I might be a bitch, but in the words of Rizzo:
Happy Memorial Day! To all the veterans I would like to say thank you for all of your time and sacrifice.
This weekend has been a pretty amazing one. My business partner a.k.a. my bestie and I did work on our restaurant/game store. Just wanted to talk a little about all the exciting stuff. We have T-shirt sales going on at http://teespring.com/valhallahearth. We are also working on a kickstarter to help raise funds for our amazing project!
More to come soon.
Ok enough of my spamming. I had a difficult weekend other than that and really don't want to sour festivities.
I'd really like to let everyone know out there to PLEASE, if you have any poor soul dangling on false hope let them go. No matter how much it is helpful to you or strokes your ego, just let them go. The longer you keep them tangled up in that thread of false hope the farther they will fall and more broken they will become. Always be honest (brutally so), make your intentions clear and void of interpretation, and never use anybody as filler between relationships. It isn't fair to you and most importantly it is cruel to the other person.
I might be a bitch, but in the words of Rizzo:
I could flirt with all the guys,
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That's a thing I'd never do.
Smile at them and bat my eyes.
Press against them when we dance,
Make them think they stand a chance,
Then refuse to see it through.
That's a thing I'd never do.
From "There Are Worse Things I Could Do"
Grease, 1978
Monday, May 19, 2014
Relationship Word Vomit
I was at a loss of what I would share this week and almost didn't write. You guys can thank my best friend for talking me out of it. I have relationships on my mind and the following is a large amount of the thoughts that I seriously need to word vomit. Relationships are a common theme for me to think about. I am so very bad at them.
It isn't easy being an out bi single mother. Even more difficult being a crazy, out bi, moderate, alt single mother. I have found myself in abusive relationships, boring relationships, confusing relationships, and that one truly bizarre guy.
I worry about a lot of things. I have raised my kiddo by myself for the most part and am not really sure I could share parenting after nine years. Truthfully I'm not looking for a parent for my kid. I'm wanting a partner for me.
Men have funny ideas about single moms. Pair that up with the funny ideas they have for tattooed bi girls and shit hits the fan really quick.
Girls? Girls are an entirely different ball of train wreck. Most of the women I've dated one on one have a real issue with the fact that I am bi. I'm not going to tell a pretty girl I'm a lesbian just because I think it would better my chances. That isn't how being out works. I'm bisexual without an in-between or any desire to hide my sexuality.
It has become my belief that every relationship is different and truly unique just like the people in them. Quite seriously what keeps me around in any relationship, friends or beyond, is feeling safe. I've been in monogamous, poly, and open relationships and found that they all have their good points and bad points. In the past I have always had a great desire to know everything about my partners. I like to hear about their past relationships and find the smallest details so very fascinating. I get off on knowledge, amassing it, and sharing it. This; however, causes it's own explosive bad reactions.
Of course all of this is only an issue if I can keep from running away long enough to find myself in a relationship. Sometimes it seems one day I'm single and then I meet some people and the next day I'm in a relationship. Other times it's a slow building of bricks. What keeps me from running away like a mad woman? I'm still working on that. I'm still working on a great many things.
I don't actually actively look for a relationship. Not in the past few years anyway. If it happens it would be amazing.
Yet, I am terrified of having the tiny bit of my heart that's left being taken from me. I really don't think I could handle anymore heartache in this life. I've worked hard to get as stable as I am and at times I still slip. I still slide back into the dark hole full of fear and second guessing. I get locked in my own self made loneliness.
Honestly at the very end of the day I'm just so damned lost. I often feel that all the work I've done to be functional is nothing more than a house of cards toppling over with the slightest breath. How could I ever ask anyone to accept such a mixed up person.
It isn't easy being an out bi single mother. Even more difficult being a crazy, out bi, moderate, alt single mother. I have found myself in abusive relationships, boring relationships, confusing relationships, and that one truly bizarre guy.
I worry about a lot of things. I have raised my kiddo by myself for the most part and am not really sure I could share parenting after nine years. Truthfully I'm not looking for a parent for my kid. I'm wanting a partner for me.
Men have funny ideas about single moms. Pair that up with the funny ideas they have for tattooed bi girls and shit hits the fan really quick.
Girls? Girls are an entirely different ball of train wreck. Most of the women I've dated one on one have a real issue with the fact that I am bi. I'm not going to tell a pretty girl I'm a lesbian just because I think it would better my chances. That isn't how being out works. I'm bisexual without an in-between or any desire to hide my sexuality.
It has become my belief that every relationship is different and truly unique just like the people in them. Quite seriously what keeps me around in any relationship, friends or beyond, is feeling safe. I've been in monogamous, poly, and open relationships and found that they all have their good points and bad points. In the past I have always had a great desire to know everything about my partners. I like to hear about their past relationships and find the smallest details so very fascinating. I get off on knowledge, amassing it, and sharing it. This; however, causes it's own explosive bad reactions.
Of course all of this is only an issue if I can keep from running away long enough to find myself in a relationship. Sometimes it seems one day I'm single and then I meet some people and the next day I'm in a relationship. Other times it's a slow building of bricks. What keeps me from running away like a mad woman? I'm still working on that. I'm still working on a great many things.
I don't actually actively look for a relationship. Not in the past few years anyway. If it happens it would be amazing.
Yet, I am terrified of having the tiny bit of my heart that's left being taken from me. I really don't think I could handle anymore heartache in this life. I've worked hard to get as stable as I am and at times I still slip. I still slide back into the dark hole full of fear and second guessing. I get locked in my own self made loneliness.
Honestly at the very end of the day I'm just so damned lost. I often feel that all the work I've done to be functional is nothing more than a house of cards toppling over with the slightest breath. How could I ever ask anyone to accept such a mixed up person.
Monday, May 12, 2014
To Girl or Not to Girl
I created this blog to discuss and explain the world as my damaged little brain perceives it. Therefore it is important to me to share one of the most difficult realizations of my life. When I was 15 I began to have a crisis of gender. There are very few people in my life that I have talked to about this time of my life.
I have always been aware of my sexuality and accepted is as I accept that I have beautiful feet and awesome finger nails. It simply is a part of me. However; I do have a strong masculine side. I like to hunt, camp, get dirty, do hard labor, bicycle for hours (how I miss the freedom), and I'm an ogler. I like to check out the ladies and fantasize where I am very male. In my younger days it caused me to question my gender. Maybe I'm a boy. I sure was fascinated by the equipment and often fantasied what it must be like. I began to hate myself and be very angry. I clung to any shiny person that would call themselves my friend. Personalities stronger than my own I could hide behind. I cut my waist length hair to an asymmetrical pixie cut. My life was consumed by the personality I created to keep everyone at bay. I was confused my hair was short but I never really had a desire to change anything more than that.
Some days I was butchy with cargo shorts and baggy Ts and some days I was punky and pigtailed. Keeping my appearance at what makes me happy has to be the most important thing I could ever do for myself. Even on days when I think I have gotten too pudgy I will still dress in what is comfortable to me. In the midst of my anger and confusion my wardrobe stayed the window to the rainbow colored girl inside. I began to think that maybe I was a boy that just happened to wear girls clothes. I had several friends like that identified as boys, but wore girls clothes all the time. I questioned everything about myself and hid it from everyone. Often times I told people I was an old school french aristocratic gay man trapped in a girl's body, but also liked girls. I was a confused mess. There were no support groups or trusted friends to confide in and my family? Forget it. My mom still had raging issues with the fact that I might no be a virgin, maybe. I totally still was at the time. Being accused of things is never fun. I felt alone, but did have friends that helplessly watched the spiraling mess with no idea what to do. I am so thankful to those that have hung on through the storm that I once was
My nightly walks and bike rides were my saviors. I spent my nights dissecting and reconstructing my insides. I learned to listen to myself and I learned it was ok to talk to myself and understand everything about me.
At the end of my crisis I was certain I was girl. I love being a girl. My diversity, my femininity, my lady parts; I love the whole package. Besides boobs are awesome and I have my own. In the end it came to this: I had to work at being a boy, but being a girl was my natural gift and I love it. I feel so very blessed to have had a couple of years in gender confusion. I understand that some days I can be a dirt covered gun slinging hunter and some days I'd rather be a glue gun wielding house mommie.
Love the skin you have. Love the mixed up confused mind inside you. Love the unique person that you are. At night you are only obligated to go to bed with yourself and through it all you are the only person you have to wake up to.
I have always been aware of my sexuality and accepted is as I accept that I have beautiful feet and awesome finger nails. It simply is a part of me. However; I do have a strong masculine side. I like to hunt, camp, get dirty, do hard labor, bicycle for hours (how I miss the freedom), and I'm an ogler. I like to check out the ladies and fantasize where I am very male. In my younger days it caused me to question my gender. Maybe I'm a boy. I sure was fascinated by the equipment and often fantasied what it must be like. I began to hate myself and be very angry. I clung to any shiny person that would call themselves my friend. Personalities stronger than my own I could hide behind. I cut my waist length hair to an asymmetrical pixie cut. My life was consumed by the personality I created to keep everyone at bay. I was confused my hair was short but I never really had a desire to change anything more than that.
Some days I was butchy with cargo shorts and baggy Ts and some days I was punky and pigtailed. Keeping my appearance at what makes me happy has to be the most important thing I could ever do for myself. Even on days when I think I have gotten too pudgy I will still dress in what is comfortable to me. In the midst of my anger and confusion my wardrobe stayed the window to the rainbow colored girl inside. I began to think that maybe I was a boy that just happened to wear girls clothes. I had several friends like that identified as boys, but wore girls clothes all the time. I questioned everything about myself and hid it from everyone. Often times I told people I was an old school french aristocratic gay man trapped in a girl's body, but also liked girls. I was a confused mess. There were no support groups or trusted friends to confide in and my family? Forget it. My mom still had raging issues with the fact that I might no be a virgin, maybe. I totally still was at the time. Being accused of things is never fun. I felt alone, but did have friends that helplessly watched the spiraling mess with no idea what to do. I am so thankful to those that have hung on through the storm that I once was
My nightly walks and bike rides were my saviors. I spent my nights dissecting and reconstructing my insides. I learned to listen to myself and I learned it was ok to talk to myself and understand everything about me.
At the end of my crisis I was certain I was girl. I love being a girl. My diversity, my femininity, my lady parts; I love the whole package. Besides boobs are awesome and I have my own. In the end it came to this: I had to work at being a boy, but being a girl was my natural gift and I love it. I feel so very blessed to have had a couple of years in gender confusion. I understand that some days I can be a dirt covered gun slinging hunter and some days I'd rather be a glue gun wielding house mommie.
Love the skin you have. Love the mixed up confused mind inside you. Love the unique person that you are. At night you are only obligated to go to bed with yourself and through it all you are the only person you have to wake up to.
Monday, May 5, 2014
BiFurious
Sexuality - the very core of what defines us. I know, there is a collective gasp going on right now. Our puritanical ancestors are all rolling in their graves and cursing my putrid, perverted soul into the despair-filled depths of hell. However, we as individuals find our identities in our sexuality.
I'm not interested in debating this today. Trust I will get into the how, why, and generalizations in another post. Today I want to talk about bisexuality and what it means to me. More precisely, dispelling the myths of what that actually says about me.
Since I am so fond of lists, lets start off with one of those:
Completely wrong and prejudiced assumptions I get when I "come out" to somebody:
1. "You just want to have sex with everybody."
This is an infuriating misconception. Let us look at real life experience. This actually really happened; on different occasions; with different people; no joke.
I was at a gathering, conversating with a group and as I mingled I encountered a very interesting man. We talked about a variety of topics and then it happened. He propositioned me and I politely turned him down. Now, he was a good looking fellow, don't get me wrong, but I was just not attracted to him. What followed was a massive 15 car pile up with burning bodies strewn everywhere. "What do you mean you don't want to have sex with me?" he said. I just wasn't feeling it. He got mad because I was a tease, talking about being bi so openly and was offended because I had turned him down. The odd thing is that this, as I said before, has and does happen with some amount of regularity and not just from men. Couples, men, and women get horribly offended when the bi girl is just not that into them. A slut is no more bi than a bi person is a slut. There are bi sluts out there just like there are homosexual and straight sluts, but not every bi person is a slut.
2. "You're just confused," or "You just don't know what you are yet."
These ideas quite honestly make me feel like kicking some babies and punching some random puppies.
Seriously? I may be suffering major confusion toward emulsifying butter and not quite know what I want to be when I actually grow up, but who I love and what I am attracted to harbor no questions from my part. My attraction to both masculine and feminine genders was very obvious to me from the time I was a small child. Exhibit A: huge honking crushes on my female kindergarden teacher and the little boy that sat next me in class at the same time. No confusion for this girl. None. Of course I think myself lucky. I don't have any horror stories of realization, feeling like I was pretending, burying my true identity under so many layers that I lashed out or felt the need to belittle somebody else's identity.
3. "Oh, you're one of those."
Exactly what the fuck is this supposed to mean?
Is it in reference to those straight girls that make out on dance floors for attention? Or is it referring to the people that tell their partners they are bisexual in hopes that it makes them more attractive? Both of those scenarios really get under my skin. I have a real problem with people pretending to be anything they are not simply to make themselves attractive to the object of their desire or for attention. My feelings to being true to oneself are strong. I am not "one of those". I am only myself and I am ok with that.
4. "So, your half gay/straight."
Ummm . . . where do I even start on this one?
I am neither gay nor straight. I am pretty solidly bisexual. Just because I find myself in a relationship with somebody who happens to be a woman, does not make me a lesbian. Or if it's a man, straight. The fact of the matter is that I don't stop being bi because I am with one gender or another. In actuality I am a whole person and not half of anything. I'm 100% bisexual.
Those are the tiny battles I fight on a weekly basis. I feel that many times I elicit negative responses because the people that voice them are just ill informed or they are battling with deamons and open wounds that have nothing to do with the reality that is me.
Bisexuality is a big part of my identity; what it says about me is that I am just not that concerned with what is or isn't dangling between somebody's legs. My attraction and connection to people stems from intelligence, character, energy, and good old fashion communication. I think it so sad that relationships are so much about the act of sex and little to do the tantalizing mind-gasm that comes before the knocking boots. Ok, so I should mostly identify as a sapio-bisexual.
What my bisexuality does in fact say about me is that I am human and like everybody I am picky about who I want to get intimate with, what I find attractive, and ultimately who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I know what I am and I just hope that someday you will too.
I'm not interested in debating this today. Trust I will get into the how, why, and generalizations in another post. Today I want to talk about bisexuality and what it means to me. More precisely, dispelling the myths of what that actually says about me.
Since I am so fond of lists, lets start off with one of those:
Completely wrong and prejudiced assumptions I get when I "come out" to somebody:
1. "You just want to have sex with everybody."
This is an infuriating misconception. Let us look at real life experience. This actually really happened; on different occasions; with different people; no joke.
I was at a gathering, conversating with a group and as I mingled I encountered a very interesting man. We talked about a variety of topics and then it happened. He propositioned me and I politely turned him down. Now, he was a good looking fellow, don't get me wrong, but I was just not attracted to him. What followed was a massive 15 car pile up with burning bodies strewn everywhere. "What do you mean you don't want to have sex with me?" he said. I just wasn't feeling it. He got mad because I was a tease, talking about being bi so openly and was offended because I had turned him down. The odd thing is that this, as I said before, has and does happen with some amount of regularity and not just from men. Couples, men, and women get horribly offended when the bi girl is just not that into them. A slut is no more bi than a bi person is a slut. There are bi sluts out there just like there are homosexual and straight sluts, but not every bi person is a slut.
2. "You're just confused," or "You just don't know what you are yet."
These ideas quite honestly make me feel like kicking some babies and punching some random puppies.
Seriously? I may be suffering major confusion toward emulsifying butter and not quite know what I want to be when I actually grow up, but who I love and what I am attracted to harbor no questions from my part. My attraction to both masculine and feminine genders was very obvious to me from the time I was a small child. Exhibit A: huge honking crushes on my female kindergarden teacher and the little boy that sat next me in class at the same time. No confusion for this girl. None. Of course I think myself lucky. I don't have any horror stories of realization, feeling like I was pretending, burying my true identity under so many layers that I lashed out or felt the need to belittle somebody else's identity.
3. "Oh, you're one of those."
Exactly what the fuck is this supposed to mean?
Is it in reference to those straight girls that make out on dance floors for attention? Or is it referring to the people that tell their partners they are bisexual in hopes that it makes them more attractive? Both of those scenarios really get under my skin. I have a real problem with people pretending to be anything they are not simply to make themselves attractive to the object of their desire or for attention. My feelings to being true to oneself are strong. I am not "one of those". I am only myself and I am ok with that.
4. "So, your half gay/straight."
Ummm . . . where do I even start on this one?
I am neither gay nor straight. I am pretty solidly bisexual. Just because I find myself in a relationship with somebody who happens to be a woman, does not make me a lesbian. Or if it's a man, straight. The fact of the matter is that I don't stop being bi because I am with one gender or another. In actuality I am a whole person and not half of anything. I'm 100% bisexual.
Those are the tiny battles I fight on a weekly basis. I feel that many times I elicit negative responses because the people that voice them are just ill informed or they are battling with deamons and open wounds that have nothing to do with the reality that is me.
Bisexuality is a big part of my identity; what it says about me is that I am just not that concerned with what is or isn't dangling between somebody's legs. My attraction and connection to people stems from intelligence, character, energy, and good old fashion communication. I think it so sad that relationships are so much about the act of sex and little to do the tantalizing mind-gasm that comes before the knocking boots. Ok, so I should mostly identify as a sapio-bisexual.
What my bisexuality does in fact say about me is that I am human and like everybody I am picky about who I want to get intimate with, what I find attractive, and ultimately who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I know what I am and I just hope that someday you will too.
Monday, April 28, 2014
The Extreme Moderate
Now coming to you on Monday Nights!
There is one thing that really does bother me about the
groups and individuals that scream at the top of their lungs about injustices
and blah blah blah. Now, I’m not saying
that I don’t see the value in what they are doing or envy them for having the
brass balls to stand in protest, risking their freedom and sometimes their wellbeing.
What I am saying is that these people don’t necessarily represent me or the
core of my beliefs. In point of fact, many times when confronted by these people
in a normal circumstance, I end up being the oppressed.
Here is the root of the problem:
I am a moderate, like most people, and as such, I am a little
conservative about some things and a little liberal about others. Let’s list
some of my “political” views:
Liberal
1.
Equal rights should be extended to all regardless
of physical, sexual, or theological standing.
2.
I am for public schools and enriching their
ability to educate our children.
3.
We need to find an alternative fuel source.
4.
I support the separation of church and state.
Conservative
1.
I legally own fire arms and see it as my right
to do so.
2.
I support the death penalty.
3.
Big government is encroaching on my rights as an
individual.
4.
Private property is that and in no way should it
be simply seized by the government no matter the “compensation”.
Fuzzy middle stuff
1.
Abortion should be looked at for what it is, a
medical procedure. Therefore it should be regulated to a certain degree, but
not made illegal or unobtainable.
2.
Welfare and Social Security need a major
overhaul; however, it should not be privatized by any means.
3.
Healthcare desperately should be made affordable,
but should not be forced upon the public.
4.
Taxes should be taken on income base equally. In
other words something like 5% (just a number from a hat not the percentage I
actually think should be taken) from everybody.
So there are my views on the big issues. Oddly enough, this
causes an issue. I happen to be a very extroverted person (even though I
secretly think everybody hates me and my friends are only my friends out of
pity, but my psychosis is a discussion for another day) therefore I talk to
just about anybody. On top of this, I have been gifted with the superpower of
charisma. I’m all bright and shiny until I mention my guns or my sexuality. I
get eye rolls or disapproving humdrum. Most often than not, this somehow prompts
a lecture from said extremist about how whatever is evil, bad, wrong, whatever,
whatever. Even worse, any attempt to defend and/or explain my view is dismissed,
ignored, or trampled on. I’m expected to simply take it and then change my
opinion at the end of it.
My opinion was shaped through thirty years of experience and
extensive research. I find this response terrible, prejudice, and small minded.
I go into voting booths having educated myself on all candidates and issues. There
is this sense of a power high I get researching things. I can honestly say that
no speech or discussion or rant has ever moved me to change my ideas. What
speeches and discussions do move me to do is to research and pull out all the
facts to make an educated choice.
So, what am I getting at? If liberals and conservatives can
get in my face about it then I should be able to get in their faces about what
I believe in. I am going to be an in-your-face moderate. For a large span of
time I’ve moaned about there being no voice for us that are caught in the
middle. Then I realized that I have a voice, a very loud voice, and I can talk
loudly at people.
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